Part III: Pouring Out

“LETTING GO” is an old story. It is a phrase that dates back from centuries ago till the modern era and even in the future. It is a mandatory process when things go out of hand but more so, when things are simply not just meant to be. The process takes time and may even take longer depending on how one would take the circumstances. But then, no matter how long it may be, the healing of wounds will always be its finishing point. Despite the emotional struggle for such a long period, time will always heal the wounds.

Since he left and up to this day, I am still mending. I am a strong young woman but sometimes, it is good to shed a few tears to release the pain I have been keeping to myself all these times. Yes, I did cry but only when I found out he would be leaving soon and cried even more when he was gone for good. In fact, even as I was writing this post while coincidentally listening to Whitney Houston’s famous “I Will Always Love You”, I was suppressing my emotion. I am not familiar with its lyrics but that song is damn heart-tormenting I could not help be on the brink of crying.

Yes, there had never been “us” and this should be a reason enough  for me to stop this madness apart from the obvious fact that what he did to me as poured out in my previous blog entitled “Part I: Pouring Out” was pure deception. He was under the influence of booze when it happened, the simplest reason why he took back all the things he said. He lied to me. He was just bored to death and so he played games with me. I, on the other hand, overwhelmed and blinded with foolish excitement, let my stupidity rule over my common sense. It was one of the cruelest things that had ever been done to me and what made it worse was the brutal truth that HE did it to me.

Fortunately, letting go of an offense is easier for me. I have already forgiven him but the scar will forever remain. Somebody said, “Forgiving is Forgetting.” but I partly disagree with that line. In my viewpoint, forgiving does not necessarily mean forgetting what one did unless, of course, one has got himself a permanent amnesia. It is rather the moment when one has come to learn shaking the pain off. It is the moment when one has no ill-feeling anymore whenever the painful events are flashed back because Memories, either good or bad, will definitely linger.

Under such circumstance, I have already managed to let it go except my affection. Letting go of affection for someone is easier said than done. It is something I am struggling with because I do miss him…

I miss his motorbike parked every morning in front of the office. It was the first thing I would look for upon stepping on the municipal ground and of course, I definitely miss the lift.

I miss getting on his motorbike, sitting behind him. (LOL).

I miss seeing and sometimes, watching him cooking with the boys.

I miss talking to him.

I miss staring at his eyes gleaming with mischief.

I miss the bantering.

I miss the “rare texting” until wee hours talking about nothing but nonsensical things.

I just miss everything about him.

But now, with him just “clicks” away, I cannot help checking him out everytime I would have a chance. I am not cyberstalking him. I just want to check him out. It just makes me happy knowing he is still there despite the distance and it will make me happier if he will do the same but I know it will never happen. I may sound dramatic the way I express my thoughts, or even melodramatic at times, but I know that you know I am not the only person in this world who has undergone through such drama of life. We each have had our own share and I happen to express mine in such a detailed public manner.

Anyway, good thing I had come across a nice Read written by a blogger named “Ladyluck” the other day. I was browsing through the page created for the WP Tag Surfers when I saw her blog. One of the things that caught my attention was the biting reality of these lines,

”Know when to stop.

Know when to give up.

And know when to walk away.”

It seemed fate once again had flown and landed me to her blog to be fetched by those 3 simple lines dropping me off to a complete realization. The quote hits the mark.

I got marked.

But unlike a marked man, I have to brace myself. It is not by running away but by facing it because eventually, it will be for my own good.

Hmmfff… So much for the drama… I have to end here. Have a great day readers and bloggers! Ugh! Never mind my grammar and the coherence of my write-up. I am just not so good at it. I still need to keep on writing so that it’s gonna be worth reading for next time.

Till next time guys!

Miss this? —> Part II: Pouring Out

*unedited post

Copyright © Yramjin and The Diary of Yramjin, 2010-2011

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