Excerpt from Part I: Pouring Out
“How could I be so dumb! I wanted to get mad at him right then and there when he took it back later and simply said “sorry, it was all a joke”. He was under booze and he was bored. I wanted to cry but I couldn’t. It was as if my eyes had run out of tears. I wanted to confront him the day we saw each other after what happened but I realized there was no one else to blame but me and my stupidity.”
April 30, 2011. I had gone crazy thinking of the past night. I could not help imagining what might happen on Monday. Could I face him squarely? Ugh! There was not a single minute that it would not cross my mind. The embarrassment I felt was surging flushing my face whenever I thought of my stupidity! Who would not have gone through my experience when you got deceived by someone you really like! The pain was piercing and it even is until now because I feel belittled. From then on, I vowed to try my best to get over him. It may not be that easy. It may not be that fast but I am quite sure I’ll be over him one of these days.
So came Monday, May 2, 2011. I was surprised of myself to have reported to our office so early. I am known in our office for tardiness. Ouch! LOL! Anyway, while waiting for the rest to come, I and some of my officemates chatted for awhile. As time passed by, I got anxious but I braced myself upon his arrival. I was facing the windows so I could prepare myself much more. Then I saw him coming. Instinctively, I looked down trying to busy myself with a dictionary, absentmindedly flipping through its pages. I think, he saw me by the window when he parked his motorbike because as soon as he came in, he teased me in front of our officemates without hesitation. They were wondering what it was all about but I just glared at him and told him to shut up. Thankfully, he was just teasing me but no word about it came out. He just kept on calling my name but it still drew curiosity. Hmmpp! The nerve of that guy! (sigh).
Thankfully again, I was given the chance to confront him via text on that night. At first, I was just digging for some information. I wanted to know if he happened to tell some of his friends about it. But I did not know whether to believe him or not because he denied disclosing it to someone. Despite that gnawing apprehension, somehow, I felt a bit relaxed when he confirmed he hadn’t.
Things had changed from then on. Nobody noticed (except the one I confided in) because we were good pretenders. We could be congratulated for doing such a terrific acting performance! Personally, I handled myself pretty well. Like I have always said, I can act as if nothing has just happened and one cannot even trace a single emotion on my face. I know how to make it be devoid of any pain given enough preparation, of course 
Anyway, let us switch the topic back to “Change”. One of the major changes that painful circumstance had created was the apparent (to him) avoidance of not asking him a favor for a lift. I used to ask him for a ride before (often) because I trusted him more than the others. But after what happened, I had to fight the urge of wanting to be near him because the only thing left of me was my pride. It was the least I could do to redeem myself. So I had to keep my pride intact. I only broke my promise thrice because I had no choice. Fate seemed to play opposite of me! So one time, off we went for some documents to be signed on. Geezz! The tension was unbearable! We only talked when necessary! Good thing he was busy driving. At least, keeping us safe was a distraction. I needed that distraction because, at least, only one of us would be rewinding that crazy night! It would be more awkward if we would be thinking the same memories. But what could I do? Memories DO linger. Sometimes, it is a sad unavoidable fact. (sigh)
However, as much as I wanted to keep my distance and kill that stupid feeling for him, there was one incident I would less likely forget. All of us were required to be in the municipal gymnasium that day for a special activity. So I brought a bottle of water because I am used to drinking water frequently. After, more or less, an hour, I decided to go back to the office for a refill. When I went out, I saw him talking to a friend while keying up his motorbike. I just passed them, ignoring totally their presence and went on walking, exiting towards the right road of the U-entrance of the gym. I preferred to go that way because it is a lot nearer to the office than the other side but when riding, it is more preferable on the left side. So off I went, just taking my time. Just when I was about to reach the main road, he came right behind me. I heard a slow humming of an engine but I did not look back because I thought it was just someone. It was only when he called me that I found out it was him. He asked me where I was going. I heard him but was not quite sure if I heard him right. So I asked, “What?” He repeated the question. Then I simply replied, “To the Office.”
Had it not been awkward for both of us, more especially on my part, I would have instantly asked for a ride right then and there when he was still readying up to get on his motorbike. But I DID NOT. It was actually unusual because it was so unlikely of me to have not asked and I thought he noticed it.
Maybe he was attacked with a sudden pang of guilt because he could have gone straight to where he was heading for but HE DIDN’T.
Maybe he sensed we were heading towards the same direction.
Maybe that was why he did not go to the left side but on the other side where I was walking.
Maybe that was why he voluntarily offered me a lift.
But whatever his intention was, one thing was definite. That simple gesture had messed up with my determination to slowly forget him because with or without meaning on his part, I was so happy he still cared, even just for the sake of our friendship. Tsk! (sigh)
As days went by, I was able to adjust myself more. I was able to manage hiding that embarrassment. I could even sometimes look at him straight in the eye despite staring at his mischievous glint and it happened four times.
The first time was when we gathered for a lunch in our office. Our mess hall has three doors. One is the door connecting the mess hall to our main working space. The other one is an exit door for our dirty kitchen while the last one is an exit door when one wants to head to the municipal hall. The two exit doors are sort of facing, not quite, but opposite each other.
He was sitting near an exit door for the other building when I went out heading towards the exit door connecting to the kitchen. When I got back, I stopped and stood for a while on the door itself but upon entering, my eyes laid upon him. I noticed a few stares (It’s normal when someone has just arrived, one has tendency to look up.) but I focused my eyes on his.
Imagine making an eye-to-eye contact with someone wherein both of you seemed engulfed with oblivion. I seemed to forget that we were not alone in the room and if not mistaken, he was, too. I forgot momentarily that sitting next to him was the guy who had been arousing my gut instinct. (I could tell that a suspicion was and is brewing into that guy’s mind unless he was told.)
After a few seconds, I headed from the door walking slowly to the left, then turned right at one corner of the table facing directly at him once again and then back to my seat. I walked unhurriedly while trying my best to keep my expression blank and trying to absorb everything I could grasp in our eye-to-eye contact. Of course, I could not read his mind fully well but one thing apparent was that suppressed amusement. I knew he was thinking of that night he deceived me and I did not know what else! But I just shrugged it off and as soon as I sat, I faked a cough to release that tension and excitement because it was the longest eye-to-eye contact between us so far and it’s gonna be in my mind and my heart for a definitely longer time! (sigh) Get a Life!
The second time our eyes met was just a brief contact. The only thing memorable on that incident was I caught him staring at me and after several months, I found him again standing behind me, just hovering, just watching me doing my job for a moment. And he even sat near me. It was a bit strange because we were discreetly avoiding each other since that thing occurred. As usual, my heart skipped beating for seconds! (LOL)
The third time was more of like a déjà vu of the first one. The only thing different was the distance. The eye-to-eye contact happened in such a short distance one could get a tingle!
We were finishing up a drink given to us from a birthday celebration. I was a bit hesitant to mingle with him and a friend because I was not quite prepared facing him that day but I dismissed that uncomfortable feeling. We were chatting when we suddenly looked at each other again. For the second time, I met his eyes oblivious with other people around us. If only he could read my mind because I was transmitting him two things. I was thinking of that embarrassing night and I was openly admiring his cool look that day. I was staring at him evenly while we talked when all of a sudden, I noticed a blurring figure beside him. It was that GUY again! Haha! And when I looked at the Guy, he was already looking down. Maybe he could not stand any longer that open eye-to-eye contact. 
Geezz! It was getting obvious! It was the second time that Guy caught us staring at each other. Tsk again!
The last memorable eye contact was kinda giving me warmth feelings. I cannot actually find the best adjective to describe his expression on that day but we kept staring for seconds, twice.
I was sweet-baby-talking with a teletubbies, a toy I and my little girl-cousin brought along as we headed to our office. I was babysitting her and was trying to amuse her with that sweet-baby-talking. Then for no reason at all, my head lifted up only to find out he was watching me despite our officemate blocking the “full view”. I could not interpret the way he looked at me and I did not have any slightest idea how long it was before I caught him. Then it was followed with another mutual glance. Our eyes just met and I could not figure out the reason behind why we had been doing that. Ugh! I hate flashing back… But there was one more thing on that day. Let me tell you the rest…
After a few minutes, he went out and was back with his little kid along with him. While I and my 3-year old cousin were sitting on a bench, he was sweetly convincing his 2-year old girl to be put down. His kid did not want to but rather insisted to be put on the bench with us. So he put her down near me. But then her little girl told him to sit between us. I knew he heard her right but I was wondering why he didn’t. Instead, he picked her up and took a seat a bit farther from us. It was only later that I realized we would look like a family had he been obedient to his kid. Her little girl is so adorably cute. I wanted to play with her but I held back because I did not want him to think I was just trying to impress him. So I just satisfied myself by merely looking at her cute little face.
The last unforgettable memory I had with him, excluding those parts where he did not have any idea yet that it is him I like, was when he bumped me, his left arm bumping my left arm. That was just nothing actually but of course, it sent me afloat, like I was floating up there with the clouds. Haha! Corny thing to say but yes, it felt like it.
Trivia: He asked my close boy-friend about whom I do like prior to that “crazy texting”. Hmmmm… Unknowingly, I got him curious.
I’m already tired and this post is quite long for a blog post. So, it’s best to let the story end unfinished. Hehe. Till next time guys. I’ll be posting its last sequel later Thanks for the time
*Unedited post
missin' him
Copyright © Yramjin and The Diary of Yramjin, 2010-2011
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