Part I: Pouring Out

Hi! I am back! I should have been back blogging last May 31, 2011 for my 1^st WP Blogging Anniversary but I forgot! Hmmfff! Me and my amnesia! Anyway, let’s get down into the business. It has been several weeks since I published a diary. I was either working on a project proposal or getting preoccupied with thoughts not worth thinking of. Those had kept me away from the usual things I do when bored. But I was in solitude most of the time staying upstairs in our room thinking of nothing but him. I was in hibernation! Good thing it never drove me crazy. I was still able to hold on to my sanity. LOL! (That madness is a bit exaggerated.LOL)

I am not gonna tell you about the details of some of those kilig moments I had with him because it was all merely brief stealing-sideways-glances, eye-to-eye contacts, insignificant and awkward tensions between us, and a few bantering, specifically inside jokes. Nevertheless, it was all memorable for me but definitely NOT FOR HIM. Every single detail is treasured. That is how sick I am and I hate myself for that. (*sigh) How could I like a man who does not even bother himself to think of me?! I guess I have to start learning to get over him and move on with my life. Gratefully, fate seemed to be right on my side. Painful as it was but I think it was a good sign that he resigned and left our place for a better job. But I’m not gonna lie. I do miss him much. I know I can surely forget him someday and when flashing back, I’ll be laughing at my silliness. But this adage is quite right, “It takes time to heal the wounds.” I wonder when it will exactly be. I wish it will be faster than I can imagine because I do not want to suffer for another day…and the day after that… and the day after that.

But for one last look, let me reminisce that lingering past. Let me begin with that night on April 5-6, 2011. It was his first attempt of setting-up a trap for me to take his bait. He was trying to pin me down so I could tell him my secret. I, on the other hand, was playfully letting myself get caught after a few denials because I wanted to know what his thoughts were. It was actually embarrassing on my part but I finally played submissive. I gave in and told him the truth but in a jokingly manner.

It was a “You.”-then-take-it-back-then-“You.” chit-chat.

It was not exactly what I keyed in via text but it summed up all that exchanges on that crazy night. Psyching him up, I knew he could sense I was not lying. I presumed he believed 90% of what I said, 10% doubtful. We texted the next morning and on early evening but we just teased each other. There was nothing more than that but it made me happy because I had waited for that day to come. Call me crazy, foolish, but like I shouted out in one of the social networks, it never is my intention to fall for him. He just happens to be the man I have fallen in love with.

But things got worse on our second conversation. It was again through text messaging from night to wee hours in the morning and that was on April 29-30, 2011. It started from talking about nonsense to nonsense. That nonsense, however, involved something I should have not done. I should have listened to my instinct but I just dismissed it. I got carried away with my emotion. I was overwhelmed with the way how things turned out. However, along the conversation, I slipped and revealed my feelings towards him with no kidding involved. It was not the typical “I Like You.” That is way too much, too straightforward because I am the girl and I was raised not to be too much liberated. It was just a simple

“Ug tgam sb aku na “diskartihan” m aku 2ngod kai ma feel m na arn feelings k knmu.”.

Let me translate the message in English, “I know you’re courting me because you could sense I am into you. “ It was just that line but the impact it had sent a confirmation.I delivered it loud and clear but it became louder when I gave in and said, “Yes.” It was something I half-regretted but partly never. At the back of my mind, something was sending me off warning signals, telling me that it was all simply nothing but a GAME. But I just shrugged it off. I pretended not to have heard that tiny voice warning me not to. How could I be so dumb! I wanted to get mad at him right then and there when he took it back later and simply said “sorry, it was all but a joke”. He was under booze and he was bored. I wanted to cry but I couldn’t. It was as if my eyes had run out of tears. I wanted to confront him the day we saw each other after what happened but I realized there was no one else to blame but me and my stupidity.

Anyway, he just teased me when we saw each other after that embarrassing night. From then on, things changed. Nobody noticed because we were good pretenders. I still have so much to tell about that “changes” but I am reserving it for the next post and I am sleepy. Good night guys Till next time

(*to be continued. not yet finished. unedited post)

Copyright © Yramjin and The Diary of Yramjin, 2010-2011

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