ELUSIVE
By jinjin
Love could sometimes be so elusive
The first time I fell in love
It was with the laidback type of guy
He was unattached
And seemed to have noticed me
Because I could feel it
From the way he stared at me from afar
And looked away up close
From the way he devised ways
Just to discreetly touch my hand
Or purposely bump into me
From the way he expressed his emotion
Through a long week of deafening silence
Not speaking up
Just letting me feel his presence
But then gave up
Because I was such an intimidation
From the way he kidded me
Saying “I love you jin” through a prank call
From the way he tried to bridge the gap
Through a casual talk in person
After 8 long years of avoiding each other
I could feel it
But for some reasons
I was left hanging mid-air.
Then love again was elusive
The second time I fell in love
It was with a mysterious handsome guy
He was single but seemed to have preferred
Not hanging out with me
Because I could feel it
From the way he left me alone
And chose to chat with our other chums
From the way he made same alibi twice
Just to get away from my company
From the way he was so annoyingly silent
When we were together
From the way he frankly told me
I was such a spoiled brat
But I could feel it, too
From the way he sat beside me so close
And put his chin on my shoulder
From the way he offered to lift me up
So I could see my reflection in a mirror
From the way he sometimes playfully punched my arms
Or gave me a nice single tickle on my waist
From the way he confronted me
For a 1-week absence in class
From the way he offered to let me spend the night at their place
And teach me lessons I missed
From the way he asked me about my grade
And then looked up my name in a class record
From the way he diverted my interest for his friend
By simply implying he could do it, too
From the way he found me such a nuisance
But still gave in to what I wanted
From the way he gave me his new number and room
Even if I did not ask for it
From the way he begged
Because I started ignoring him
By keeping my distance
As confusing as it were
Still, I could feel it…both.
Then now, love is still elusive
After 3 long years
That buried emotion has been awakened
By a guy I should not get mixed up with
Not only because
He does not have anything for me
Other than a platonic relationship
But because
It is simply
Forbidden.
So I wonder
Why love can be so much elusive?
When all these years
I have not been chasing after it. 
Copyright © Yramjin and The Diary of Yramjin, 2010-2011
