Been So Long…

I missed you dear Blog!

Yeah, I really did. I was busy these past days with field works like hiking up the mountains getting myself  grass-cuts, slips and mild sun burns, crossing several times that long winding stream just to conduct ocular survey at abaca project sites currently implemented by our local government, and surveying mangrove sites which made me want to hold my breath because of the awful smell given off by yucky mud while trying to get away unscathed from those crisscrossed branches blocking our way! It’s monitoring and evaluation works and it’s only the start. The designated M&E Head is busy nowadays with his master’s degree (is that the term?hehe) leaving a much heavier weight of responsibilities on my shoulder. It’s understandable though. I am his one and only staff. So it leaves me no choice.  Nevertheless, it was all fun despite all the hikes, sweats and scorching heat draining me out. Having said that, the physical stress was obviously the major reason I could not think as fast as I wanted to a couple of weeks ago.

Plus, I got distracted with The Vampire Diaries Season 1, to watch it for the second time only during ME time. I love solitude, you know, and I always occupy myself with things that I love doing like reading paperbacks, drawing or just merely watching movies or favorite tv shows. One of the popular TV series these days is the The Vampire Diaries (TVD). I was able to watch most of the episodes of seasons 1 and 2 that were regularly match-aired in the Philippines right after US telecast, the first time on etc channel. At present, it is airing its Season 3 every Tuesday and that makes me always euphoric on that particular day of the week!

What’s even making my day more complete is having been gifted with its books! I’ve got The Dark Reunion bought for me by my good Aunt and The Return: Shadow Souls from a good friend. I don’t have the complete set yet but I can have the others one of these days I was done reading with the former and the latter is what I am now hooked into.

I’ve found out that the story written in the book authored by L. J. Smith is a lot different from its TV version. The creators of TVD (on tv) have plotted a lot of twists and turns of events and personally, I love it. I like their idea of making a story out of the story because I get to feel the excitement from digesting pictures of different sources. Both actually are gripping and so are the characters, most especially Damon Salvatore, coming into life on television in the person of Ian Somerhalder.

<3 Ian Somerhalder <3 Got this from a website I forgot what link it was

 I love his smirk, the nonchalance, the cocky grin, the twitching of the mouth and above all, the handsome face! He he… He definitely gives justice to the bad-vampire-yet-with-a-soft-heart-deep-within image. If it were for real, not just some story published or aired on TV, and if I were the female protagonist, the Elena, I would love to go for Damon.

My choice reflects my personality. I get easily smitten with men who can be such a headache but still have the gentlest spot within him. I love men who can love women the way Damon does. He’s the untamed who has been slowly tamed and that is pretty exciting to me…

Ha! My mind says let’s not dwell on this topic any longer. Hehe! It’s all about feelings again! Crushes! Blame it to Ian Somerhalder! Haha! Mind you, I rarely have had a crush on celebrities and he certainly has that effect on me. But he’s a celebrity so it’s quite normal to sometimes feel that way, right?

But as Damon Salvatore? This has made me wonder why some girls, even young women including me, tend to fall in love with fictional characters which I think is not as normal as having crush on actors like Ian Somerhalder. He he… Maybe a good night sleep will keep me sane and this post, too, is getting nowhere. He he… So sweet dreams readers and bloggers. :*

*As always, this post is still not edited. subject for refinement when I feel like doing it. He he!

It’s Not A Home

To be edited...

It was one of those dreaded days of our lives.  It had been haunting us since the day I and my sister knew the meaning of the depressing aspect of our every life. It was a replay of the dark past but this time, things were different…

Monday, off from work…

It was time to go off from work. I had no idea what awaited me at home that day. I leisurely walked down the street thinking of nothing but my usual routines but things turned into chaos for the nth time…

I dropped by the store of my Aunt for a chat with them when I found out  I got home a little late of the commotion. My father wanted to chop down my mother’s and sister’s phones. We know very well our father. He cannot lift a single strand of my mother’s hair unless when severely provoked. Ooppss! Don’t get me wrong though. My father is not a sadist, of course, but he still is a human and humans have the tendency to get overpowered with anger depending on the circumstances. He just blamed their phones because my mother and sister have sort of spies near where that slut lives. As much as he wanted to break those gadgets into pieces, realization dawned upon him and sort of awakened him from being irrational. Later that night, my father went home drunk and took an early sleep. So the night passed by peacefully but it left us all drifting, searching and even demanding for truth, even for confirmation.

The next day everything went well. Just on the surface of the situation though. Beneath the pretense was the dormant tension waiting for its time to erupt.

Tuesday, Lunch time…

Lunch break for employees is such a short time to spend with either your family or friends. So, I hurriedly picked up my things and slid them into my bag to get home as early as possible and be able to be back to the office by 1:00 PM.

Nobody was in the living room when I arrived. Nobody even had just eaten their meals because I sometimes could not make it having lunch with my family. I thought that maybe they were too tired from peddling works to gather on time on our meal that day and so I decided to eat my lunch alone.

Just when I was so engrossed watching a particular tv show aired on Bio while having a lonely lunch, my mother opened the door and walked up from their bedroom. (The master’s bedroom, by the way, is now located downstairs leaving the original to me.) I noticed her eye-bags were bulging and knew instantly she had just come from crying. So I asked her what happened. There was an apparent crack in her voice when she responded but still managed to finish every single word. It was obviously a bad news, a nightmarish bad news. She said (translated),

“Your father is still seen visiting his other woman.”

Of course, my father has been good to us. He is not the expressive type. He is not good in words but he fathers us in the best way he can. He rarely gets mad at us and I can’t remember him in my childhood days lifting a hand at me. Even if he did, he was not like my mother when it came to physical discipline. He still is not even until now.  He knows how to work on his temper under pressure especially in the middle of an intense argument with my mother. For as long as he can hold on, he won’t do any drastic move that may hurt my mother physically.

He is a kitchen-man, too, and it is also one thing we love about him. You will not get starved because he loves cooking for his family and it is one thing rare among men.

I do love my father much. I do not often express what I feel but I really do more than he ever knows but as the famous philosopher quoted, “Men are born polygamous.” Unmistakably, my father is not an exception.

I am an open-minded person. I do agree with that Aristotle’s famous line but it’s one thing I hate about my father.

That news my mother just broke to me was distressing. I made no response. I just continued watching while eating but even if I did, she then turned away without waiting a word from me. She went back to their room with her words lingering. She left me with those upsetting thoughts rampaging every corner of my mind. The thought of feeling betrayed kept on nagging me. The mere thought that he had not stopped seeing that slut despite being confronted the past month and despite even risking my reputation for slamming that bottle of beer in front of his peer was infuriating. He broke his promise for the nth time and that slowly ignited the anger building up inside me. I could burst into outrage any minute if I wanted to but I kept my cool. I kept digesting my food as well as that terrible news.

Aggravating the situation was seeing my sister’s eyes swollen from too much crying. I knew pretty well she came from crying and it was obvious she was trying to hold it back when she got past me and went out. I, however, held myself still. Irritation was reflecting on my face. It was a defense mechanism whenever my father would put us to shame but I quickly brushed off what was troubling me at that very moment. I needed to because I still had to leave house for work.

I reported to the office on that afternoon acting like nothing went wrong at home. I possess a rare attitude of not bringing any angst in my life when I am in another territory. I know when to forget problems and I know when to think of them. I also know how to block the pain away from me but I have also the tendency to absorb all the negative emotions emanating from a particular ordeal, keeping them to myself until I explode on very rare days. Sad to say, it was one of those days.

It was one of the most unforgettable days of my life yet one of the saddest. Things got out of hand. My sister went out without telling anybody what her plans were. With spies in constant communication with her, she went there alone wishing she would be able to catch my father and the slut together in the latter’s house. She wanted solid proofs so badly to slap them down on their faces. Consequently, it would be hard for my father to come up with more alibis, more lies.

Things, however, didn’t go as hoped for but she was able to confront the slut.

And that slut denied all the accusations.

Depressing as it was but it was later that night that my father had unknowingly taken the bait set by my mother. He slipped and uttered the most terrible words I had ever heard. He was there when my sister confronted the slut, hiding for a couple of minutes and just listening to them. What made it worse was when he unthinkingly confirmed part of all the accusations. I didn’t know if I had to be thankful to that liquor. I know the best confrontation is when everybody is sober, when everybody is not mad but looking on the other side of it, the sudden confrontation fortunately set the truth free. That partial confirmation made me conclude it was all real. It was all true and what made it worst was when I happened to let go every anger I had kept all these times. I knew he can never forget everything that I did and said on that night for the rest of his life because I cursed the slut, wishing she’d die. I even cursed the child still inside her womb. I cursed her kid. I mouthed bad words at my father. I was screaming out every word while shedding tears. I screamed and screamed while pounding and pounding my arms so hard on the arm of the couch.  It took me a couple of seconds to release my anger and for a fleeting moment, shock reflected on my father’s eyes. It was his first time to see me go real mad. All the emotions pestering me had gone me berserk because I could no longer take it. At one point, I even threw a pillow at him so hard. It was just a pillow but the impact it had on him was unbearable that he went and grabbed my hair. Reflexively, my mother and my sister caught us before he could hurt me and that was the moment, my sister mouthed bad words at him, defending me.

Yes, it was one of the most unforgettable days of my life but one of the saddest. It was even followed when I attempted to talk to him during lunch, aiming to prevail rational minds accompanied with low voices. Things again did not go as aimed for. He raised his voice and that triggered me. Out of anger, I told him this painful line, “I do not respect you anymore!”, which he replied saying, “From now on, never call me Papa.”

I knew my violent reactions were just the reflections of what he did to us but deep within me, I knew that despite everything what my father had done wrong, he still is my father. I knew I went out of the boundary but I still love him more than he ever knows. My respect for him has not gone vanished despite throwing those harsh words at him. I knew it was only because I was so mad at him for hurting us so many times but I deeply regret having said all those cruel words.

No matter what, a father is always a father. Your father is always your father. My father is always my father. I just hope and pray that someday, things will turn out fine again.

Anyway, my mother and sister are now in good terms with my father, slowly working things out but unfortunately, I and he are still not. 

I know this post is too much of a public diary but I hope my revelations will help you realize many things in your lives.

Thanks for droppin’ by and reading some of my thoughts. Just by doing so, it’s like you’re listening to everything that’s troubling me.

*Unedited post

“Little Maiden”: My 30th Drawing

Jaundiced! I want to get rid of this negativity. It’s eating me. It’s stressing me out. I can’t think of anything more sensible to say today but let’s not dwell on that nagging feeling.

Let my drawing and some photos express my thoughts. Don’t worry. It’s not something bad

Again, I lost count as to  how many drawings I have created since 2010 but this is my 30th if not mistaken. I am just not good at remembering numbers.

Anyway, here’s my 30th drawing (right side). The original copy of my version is, of course, not covered with transparent blue. Shown below is watermarked with my name and year created or edited.

right side: my drawing version of a "Little Maiden"---left side: model

Me (jinjin corvera) and two of my framed drawings hung on our wall ---> The Queen in a Garden & Pretty in Pink

Me (jinjin corvera) and two of my drawings hung on our wall ---> Girl in Red Hat & A Beautiful World (2nd version)

I think this is my 2nd briefest blog I’ve ever published.  I am just in no mood for a long draft today. *sigh

Have a great day anyway. Be happy!

“A Beautiful Night” Version 2: My 28th Drawing

This is my 28^th drawing, one of my masterpieces! (This post is still to be edited just like my “Who Could It Be?” Don’t like that post of mine.hehe)

2nd Version my drawing of "A Beautiful Night". Its original is not covered with a "transparent sheet".

I lost count actually but it’s my 28th if I’m not mistaken.

A fellow blogger, named Renxkyoko, commented saying (for some reason) one of my drawings illustrated in my essay called “Simple Living“reminds her of Grandma Moses’ works. I then googled her. I only saw some of her creations and whoa! Grandma Moses’ artworks are amazingly beautiful! Her “Beautiful World”, “Checkered House” and some other country’s sceneries are soothing to look at. Now that I get to know tidbits of her life and works, I cannot help looking up to her and making her one of my inspirations because at such an age, her paintings are commendable, not to mention, the category of her art is one that I love most to pursue.

She does her masterpieces using REAL painting or drawing materials while I do mine via Mouse with the help of Photoshop’s tools. She can paint real scenes while I still can’t. She is a pro while I am still a newbie. We may be different in some ways but overall, we are just the same because we share the same passion. We both love ART and ours is called as “Self-taught Art”.

I was not inclined to Art way back younger years. Art for me was being able to draw real faces, real houses, real things using charcoal and those various painting and drawing materials. Art for me was not easy because it really is not easy.

Things changed just last year, 2010. Boredom and curiosity had introduced me to the beauty of the world of colors. Out of boredom and curiosity, I began exploring Photoshop, making sketches like that of a kid’s using its tools like pencil, brush, and a bucket of paint. Nobody actually told me it is possible to draw via that application. Nobody taught me how to create things artistically. It was just me and my curiosity.

It’s not easy learning Photoshop. It’s got quite a lot of tools and steps that you need to familiarize. Nevertheless, drawing my subjects does not require many complicated tools and instructions. It’s only a matter of patience and “hand-control”. I started from scratch and here’s my first:

My drawing:jinjin corvera's "A Beautiful Life" drawing_1st drawing 2010

Haha! I call it a drawing just for the sake of drawing. My second came out way better than that shown above. This next piece was first published as one of my illustrations of my essay entitled, “Once A Paradise” and even managed to create its 3^rd version (still published on that essay).

My drawing: jinjin corvera's A Beautiful Night Version 1 drawing_2nd drawing 2010

My drawing career is just a hobby. It started just last year and in a span of 2 years, I have been able to create almost 30 pieces. My works were first published at my facebook account. I then posted them at my WP site (The Diary of Yramjin) but decided to privately publish them after a couple of months, uploaded some in my imageshack account and even in photobucket.

Most of my drawings depict little women and one of them is the next piece you’re going to see.

The queen shown below was created because I got interested in one of the framed cross-stitched queens hung on my granny’s house’s walls (previously described as “crocheted” because I had mistaken the term, “cross-stitched” to “crocheted”).

After a few months, I tried creating a garden by making two to three flowers (then replicated), a tree and a grass. I drew each separately. Now, take a look as every single detail is fused in a frame.

My drawing:jinjin corvera's "The Queen in a Garden" drawing_2010, Its original is not covered with a "transparent sheet".

“The Queen in a Garden” is originally not covered with a “transparent sheet”. This was out once when I had it printed out in a particular printing press at San Francisco, Agusan del Sur along with 3 of my masterpieces. Its printed copy, however, was not totally like that shown above. The head of the queen (first version) was flat and it was fitted in a 10” x 11” size of a canvas. That shown above was edited. Notice her head is not flat anymore and there are a bunch of flowers added. Furthermore, it had been resized to fit a 2’ x 3’ sheet and was filtered more than twice.

Its solo photo (the queen alone) was first posted at my facebook account but was then hidden (a facebook acquaintance named Precious F. told me she had saved the image for her desktop background). It was also published here in my blog as one of the illustrations of my poem entitled “Woman is a Woman” (a poem where all my drawings were posted individually on its first release and during when I reblogged it but were made as border of my gravatar and in that poem on the 3^rd time it had been published—>I deleted all my illustrations though.)

Anyway, all my works published on a particular site are edited by applying one or more effects. Their originals are still kept in my computer. Be it known that all the illustrations shown in either poem or essay on my blogsite are created by no other than yours truly, Yramjin or Jinjin Corvera. All rights reserved.

I’m not feeling well. So good night guys

Copyright © Yramjin and The Diary of Yramjin, 2010-2011. All rights reserved.

Who Could It Be?

Morning…

The sun rose up, shining ever so brightly at the eastern portion of the azure sky with shards of light trying to peek through the drapes hung carelessly just above my head. With almost 7:00 AM flashed on the small screen of my bedside clock, I quickly brushed off the temptation to tarry along with my unending reveries and dragged myself out of bed. I then cleaned up and made my way downstairs to prepare for work.

I did everything in haste as usual.

And just like any ordinary days, I walked down the street hurriedly just to make it at the office on time. It was time for an 8-hour work.

Tick… Tock… Tick… Tock… Tick… Tock!

Finally, it was 5:00 in the afternoon…

It was time to go home. I shut down my personal computer, slid my things into my graffiti-decorated tote bag, made my way toward another building for a queue and waited for my turn to log-out via biometric clock. Having imprinted my index fingerprint on the gadget and then notified via recorded voice-message that it was successfully verified, I left and ambled down the road, thinking of fixing myself a hot and spicy canton noodles (which I happened to forget upon arriving at our house).

At home…

Our house is in a small compound adjacent to my granny’s and uncle’s houses.  It’s called a triplex but not the typical triplex. It is not a 3-story type. Rather, each family has had their own house built (not an apartment) with adjoining doors and respective gates.

Upon entering into one of the gates, I saw my favorite little girls, my niece and first cousin, talking nonstop inside my aunt’s grocery store. They were playing boisterously, gallivanting around the store. I always love playing with them but I decided to just walk past them and made my way toward our two-story house.

Minutes after, I went back to my little girls and “teasingly bickered” with them. After awhile, I charmed them to come with me for a “pictorial session”. They were thrilled with the idea of having to pose in front of camera and immediately went with me, guiding them carefully as we took our every step upstairs.

My bedroom…

Upon entering the room, they giggled seeing those Disney princesses stickered on my headboard and grabbed anything that caught their attention. Geez! They were unstoppable! Good thing I still managed to make them behave and project in front of a self-timed cellphone camera!

Tink! Tink! Tink! – Tink! Tink! Tink! Tink! Tink! Tink! Tink! Tink! Tink!

Click!

Flash!

Here are some of our cute shots!

me and my little girls

me and my little girls

me and my little girls

me and my little girls

me and my little girls

me and my little girls

Yes, it was just an ordinary day, from waking up to working to playing with the kids. It went well just like the days that passed. Nothing spectacular but as time went by, something wrong happened, something eerie…?

Hours went unnoticed until it was time to retire for a long night ahead. I am used to totally locking myself up in my room when sleeping at night because I cannot sleep knowing the shutters are open. So I closed everything that needed to be closed, switched the light off, turned the light on at the altar, and went to sleep.

Tick… Tock… Tick… Tock… Tick… Tock!

I could not sleep.

The smoke out of the burnt rubber or maybe plastics just nearby was trapped in my room, suffocating me. Despite the nasty smell from the combusted materials, I tried to get some sleep and luckily managed to a couple of minutes after.

Tick… Tock… Tick… Tock… Tick… Tock!

Suddenly, I woke up in the middle of the night with darkness engulfing the room. It was what we call “brownout”. The electricity went out.  So I decided to get up to turn on the emergency light. Just when I was about to push its button, I noticed through my “left sideways vision” that something had flashed from the window.

My heart thudded frantically because instinctively, I knew something strange happened… A tiny voice was telling me the shutters were open but I was not sure…

It was just a mere hunch. Just to confirm what I was dreading of, I went over it and found out exactly what I had in mind.

The lower set of the shutters were, indeed, open…

It was unthought of because I never experienced something like it before particularly upstairs. I then found myself re-running everything I did before I slept a few hours ago.

I did close all the windows, didn’t I?

Deep within me, I knew I did. I can’t sleep knowing the shutters are open, remember? One more thing, the door was locked. There was nobody in the room besides me! So who did it?

Was there a presence of someone there besides me? If so, then why did that someone open the window?

Was that someone concerned about me?

Maybe…?

Perhaps, that someone was worried I might get suffocated with that nasty smell? Perhaps it’s the reason why that someone opened the window for me…?

Hmmm… This is what I have gotten into from watching Celebrities Ghost Stories, My Ghost Story and Psychic Kids on the BIOgraphy channel.

Now, I still close everything that needs to be closed. I still lock the door up before sleeping but I do not switch the light off anymore.

Trivia: Have you ever had a nightmare that gives you goosebumps? You are half-asleep, half-awake, eyes half-opened, when suddenly you see a flimsy white  gown, nightgown (just the portion of it though), hovering over you so near. It is as if she were responsible for your struggle… the struggle to move even just the tip of your finger and the struggle to get yourself fully awake and set yourself free from her…

It happened just yesterday, August 15, 2011… You may find me freak or whatever but I believe in paranormal stuff. I believe in supernatural. I know they exist.

*Unedited post. I don’t like this post of mine.

Simple Living

The backwardness of our town is something that I love. I am a country girl and I love living in the countryside. If they love the bustling cities, I DON’T. I am not fascinated with the towering buildings. I do not find malling that fun. I do not easily get hooked with those cars of various models honking their horns on the streets. They can only stress me out. I find the unmindful crowd hastily walking on the sidewalk wearisome to look at. Above all, I am allergic to severe belching of smokes, to the hovering dust.

Of course, I was not born in the old days. The world is constantly changing and the most part of these changes is composed of developments. And like many others, I have embraced these developments attached to modernity. The emergence of high technologies, for instance, has always wowed me. The power of humans’ minds bestowed by the Omnipotent is quite impressive because through them science has unfailingly brought the world to a new higher level.

Amidst all these innovations vying for the attention of anyone of us, I am still much drawn to what the small towns like ours can offer. Our town is one of those slow-paced from activities to gadgets to equipment to machineries to trendy fashions to establishments to almost everything. It is quite ordinary but I find its serenity way worth living for, which to others, a boredom. Nevertheless, I am a sucker for boredom. Their boredom is my way of fun and that simply explains why my preference is very much contradictory to most people of my age…

Because Fun for me is being able to look up, look sideways, look everywhere internalizing every small detail Mother Nature has proudly exhibited before our very eyes…

Because Fun for me is being able to enjoy the moment in solitude, reading, drawing, writing and doing anything that fancies me like those talented protagonists in a famous novel written by Louisa May Alcott called “Little Women”…

Because Fun for me is being able to afford the time mingling, laughing, comforting, working, talking with family and friends…

Because Fun for me is quietude and quietude for me is peacefulness…

I may sound like weird but I am not. I’m neither an introvert nor whatever you think that may fit my personality. It’s just that a quiet place is a peaceful and safe place.  Whenever I look at those drawings illustrated in fairytale books, I find those dense cool forests, colorful beautiful flowers, amazing heights of mountains and trees, the country homes and the old lifestyle of people so serene, so peaceful, so content. Believe it or not, but I really do. It makes me wonder how it will be like living in such a beautiful world where contentment is all that matters.

Oh! Don’t get me wrong. Of course, our town does not look like that of those illustrations shown in children’s bedtime storybook.

Simple and peaceful living is what they both have.   

I know you may object. But we are entitled to our respective preferences, aren’t we?

Now, let me share with you something that I love doing. Thankfully, I was able to draw my ideal place in the best way I could. I had published this masterpiece of mine last year but made some revisions on My 20th Drawing: Country Life. Don’t just take a look. Go beyond what you see.

my drawing: jinjin corvera's "Simple Living" drawing_2011: Previously published without "transparent sheet". Now, i republish it but with that "transparent sheet".

Note: This post should have been published last week. I’m a new member of the Post A Week 2011, remember? But my mind was kinda messy. It even is until now. I just hope I’m able to deliver my message right.

*Unedited post

Copyright © Yramjin and The Diary of Yramjin, 2010-2011. All rights reserved.

Let’s Post A Week!

I have been blogging for more than a year now. I have posted quite a few Reads extracted from the bottomless pit of my head. I have blogged everything in here, getting into public some of my precious drawings, my crazy thoughts, my life! I have unveiled all my secrets despite the fact that I am Overexposing myself as some said. MY blog is too much exposed?

But ah! My friend, this overexposure has taught me in many different ways…

Blogging has taught me how to have fun in solitude.

Blogging has taught me to explore my artistic abilities, enhance my writing and drawing skills.

Blogging has taught me not to repress, but express myself in such a good way so others may learn from my musings. It is my Public Diary, hence, called as the “The Diary of Yramjin” where thoughts unleashed, set free, unveiled, revealed, divulged, disclosed!

My thoughts may be crazy, boring, cluttered sometimes, but sometimes, it’s from being crazy, boring, and cluttered that you may be able to learn something.

I am not a regular blogger. I do not post that too often like everyday. But I definitely can each week. With WordPress now giving us a challenge to do so, I am much more willing to take that challenge!

I want to join in WordPress Post A Week 2011!

And be the best I can every week just to keep you posted.

By the way, here are some of my fave old thoughts expressed via poem, essay and drawing:

MY POEMS (some with my drawings as illustrations):

http://yramjin.wordpress.com/2010/09/22/the-concepts-of-war/

- The Concepts of War

http://yramjin.wordpress.com/2010/09/04/dillydallying-800am-plus/

- Dillydallying = 8:00AM plus

http://yramjin.wordpress.com/2010/08/16/repressed/

- Repressed…

http://yramjin.wordpress.com/2010/07/07/450/

- One, Two, Three Sssshhhhhh…

http://yramjin.wordpress.com/2010/06/25/nowhere/

- Nowhere

http://yramjin.wordpress.com/2010/09/23/woman-is-a-woman-2/

- Woman is a Woman

http://yramjin.wordpress.com/2010/06/05/stare-by-jinjin/

-”Stare”

http://yramjin.wordpress.com/2010/05/30/poeman-outlet

- “ABYSS”

MY ESSAYS:

http://yramjin.wordpress.com/2011/07/07/the-trying-hard-writer/

- The Trying Hard Writer

http://yramjin.wordpress.com/2011/07/15/in-my-dreams/

- In My Dreams

http://yramjin.wordpress.com/2011/07/22/unrequited/

- Unrequited

http://yramjin.wordpress.com/2010/06/13/once-a-paradise/

- Once a Paradise

http://yramjin.wordpress.com/2011/06/07/pouring-out/

- Part I: Pouring Out

http://yramjin.wordpress.com/2011/06/20/part-ii-pouring-out/

- Part II: Pouring Out

http://yramjin.wordpress.com/2011/06/24/the-last-confession/

- Part III: Pouring Out

SOME OF MY DRAWINGS:

http://yramjin.wordpress.com/2011/07/03/my-versions-of-gorgeous-girl-my-25th-masterpiece/

- My Versions of Gorgeous Girl: My 25th Masterpiece

http://yramjin.wordpress.com/2011/06/25/rock-couple-my-24th-masterpiece/

- ROCK COUPLE: My 24th Masterpiece

http://yramjin.wordpress.com/2010/09/04/my-20th-drawing-country-life/

- My 20th Drawing: Country Life

http://yramjin.wordpress.com/2010/07/28/unexpected-gift-of-art-my-19th-drawing/

- Unexpected Gift of Art: My 19th Drawing

http://yramjin.wordpress.com/2011/01/09/my-1st-of-2011-my23rd-masterpiece/

-My 1st of 2011:My23rd Masterpiece

*unedited post

Copyright © Yramjin and The Diary of Yramjin, 2010-2011

Unrequited

July 17, 2011. It was somewhat blurry. Then she suddenly appeared, sitting on her desk, uttering something audibly but I could not remember. Her eyes hinted a knowing gleam. The only thing I could retrieve was the feeling of confirmation whispering into my deepest thought. And it was,

“Your instinct is absolutely right.”

The message conveyed was simple. She knew my little secret.

Then I woke up. Sensing the coldness of the dawn, I curled up and snuggled closer to my pillow. It was only a dream but one of the briefest.

The following night was somehow linked to the first one but the scene was played longer than the previous and this time, it was much more distinct.

July 18, 2011. I was standing beside the table located near the rows of plastic chairs (not the monobloc type, but one you can usually see in terminals), holding a pen for the whiteboard laid on that table. I was told to write down the name of the woman in my dream of the preceding night. Without thinking, however, my right hand scribbled *Private instead of the woman’s. I have a nice handwriting but I wrote his name with strokes that looked like not mine. But  my dream said it was mine.

Then I began writing her name after his, slightly embarrassed because her husband was standing next to me, aware of the first name I wrote, making me feel that he was quite aware of my little secret, too. But I dismissed the feeling and continued writing. Odd as it was, but I got a real hard time writing down the first vertical line of the first letter of her name. I tried again and again but it was like, now a fully loaded pen, then it quickly ran out of ink.

All of a sudden, I stopped, looked around and noticed something was strange with the place. It dawned upon me that I was in the waiting area of an airport. My gaze went directly into the man sitting in one of the plastic chairs in the first row. It was *Private. His face was serious but somehow, I could see he was anxiously waiting for his flight amidst the unmindful hazy figures of the crowd mostly walking to and fro.

He didn’t seem to have noticed me. So I got back on my work, still desperately trying to draw the first line of the woman’s name. Then the husband said something even without being asked and pointed towards his direction,

“Look! *Private took another seat, even farther from us.”

I looked up again and confirmed he really did, no longer in a waiting area, but now, inside an airplane. The transformation of the milieu was pretty quick. I saw him sitting at the far end but beside where an outlet was easily accessible, plugging-in something like MP4 or whatever that gadget was. I knew he was soundtripping because I could clearly see those white-coated thin wires of the headset stuck into his ears, his head even a bit swinging to the rhythm of what he was listening to.

Still, his face reflected seriousness. Nothing changed.

Then I wondered, “Does he see me, too? Or I am just a viewer in this dream?”

But he did see me as far as I could remember! That part was confusing but I didn’t know where the sudden twinge of feeling rejected came from. It suddenly engulfed me, arising many why’s like why he just sat there, making no move, just listening to music, and totally ignoring us.

Something like a premonition…

Then reality struck. I woke up. Since it was still dark outside, I went back to sleep.

Tick… Tock… Tick… Tock… Tick… Tock!

Daybreak set in. Finally, it was morning.

The morning chill greeted me, dragging me out of bed as early as almost 6:00 o’clock. I forced myself to get moving because I needed to be there at the office on but preferably before 7:30 to ready for the MSC Site Verification of Round 1 CFAD Subprojects. I am not one of the MSC members but I was required to go with them at barangays assigned to Group 1, ****, **** and *****. (MSC, by the way, is composed of LGU employees (mostly department heads) and non-government sector representatives.)

We were to set forth as early as possible. So, I did my morning rituals in a rush. Donning my just-above-the-knee black walking shorts paired with a yellow racerback and with my hooded red-and-blue jacket on top of the shirt, I then left the house in a hurry to get on those pending office works before leaving.

At the office…

The Special Project room was in its usual chaos when I arrived, particularly my desk. Papers everywhere, computers and printers left undusted, files just dumped into filecases. Ugh! Spare me with the deafening sermon. The clutters were not distracting though. We have already grown accustomed to that total disorder. Haha! So there I was, working on some unfinished documents that needed to be bid later in the afternoon.

A couple of minutes after, Group 1 members set off towards the first destination, ******. I got on an old motorcycle owned by one of the MSC members, thinking it should have been HIM, driving, had HE not resigned. I used to get a ride on his motorbike, remember? I could not help those memories from flashing back because ****** happened to be one of his assigned areas.

Upon our arrival, I briefly briefed the members with the activity, providing them each with a verification form. Immediately, the boring yet strenuous verification began. As things went on, I could not help get silently exasperated. It was not only me, even some of the members and staff. Our boss was so much into details. There was nothing wrong in being particular though but due to time constraint, getting things fast was the best option. We needed to hurry up, hurried but concise. No digression. Alas! We spent more or less 3 hours in ***** with only one subproject site validated. Not to mention, we still had 4 subprojects on the waiting list. See my point?

Anyway, around 10:30 in the morning, we were done with the interviews at last! Only the interview! We still had to survey the project area of that organization. Still deciding on where to start trekking, some suggested choosing the most accessible. But our boss had another thing in mind which was the location where the stripping machine could be accessed by the recipients. Ugh! And that meant going to the “Upper” under the scorching heat of the sun. Just the thought of it made me sweat real good. Fortunately, it could be accessed, not just on foot, but via motorcycles. Yey!

Broooommmmm…… Broooommmmm……. Broooommmmm…..!!!

Upon reaching a much higher plain ground, passing through a winding stream that sometimes made the ride rough because of those loose gravels; we finally saw the area allotted for the machine. The guide then pointed the gigantic mountains looking down upon us, informing the group that those would be the planting sites for abaca.

That's me in a hooded red and blue!

While they were still talking about the project, one of my ate’s in the office captured these beautiful faces via another officemate’s phone… Click! Flash!  (we forgot to bring the office digi-cam!)

They're cute, aren't they? Thanks Nang Malyn Morgado

To make the story short, we ended the day at around 6:00 in the evening. It was a long day and it totally drained me physically and EMOTIONALLY because in between the gaps, he was constantly bugging my wandering thoughts.

As soon as I got home, I slouched for a couple of minutes on a couch, eyes starting to drop. Before I could totally doze off to sleep, I got up and went upstairs chatting with a friend via text messaging, call and facebook comment-chat.

We were talking about *Private for more than an hour. I even shared to her one part of conversation between me and Him. I sent all those messages despite my mobile load exceeding the SmartPlan limit.

Then, during one of her calls, she broke the just received news from our common friend. It was about the “bet” made a few nights ago between me and them (her and our friend). They believed *Private and I had a mutual feeling. They were trying to convince me to agree with them. I admit I was holding on to that tiny hope that, somehow, they were right but I just could not see their logic. I opposed and said (not quite close though),

“I know that guy. He doesn’t have anything for me other than friendship. I am not his type. The qualities he’s been looking for in a girl are way too “high”. He’s such a finicky type.”

Then they came up with a plan. *Gur would befriend *Private. She would later devise a strategy to know which side he would be on, theirs or mine.

A few days passed, and then the day of judgment had finally come.

She was actually hesitant at first but I persistently insisted to spill it out. I knew outright that it was something not in favor on my side but still managed to ask despite the threatening tears,

“It’s a bad news, isn’t it?”

She answered warily, “Yeaaah.”

And added just the tidbits of that bad news I wasn’t even quite sure if I heard it right,

“*Gur said you’ll get hurt hearing this one. It will be too painful for you to know. She even cried while reading it. I hate him Yram! It’s like my chest gets suffocated I can’t breathe.”

Those were not the exact words (as translated) relayed by Kareen but the conversation was more like it. Just when she already had the guts to divulge everything, I feared hearing the painful truth.

So I said decisively, in the best normal tone I could muster,

“Don’t say it over the phone Kareen. Just send it to me via text.”

But she wanted to hear me out. She wanted to listen to me. She said she wanted to comfort me in any possible way. So she insisted telling me over the phone but I refused and laughingly said,

“Nooooo! I won’t listen. I won’t listen to whatever you’re gonna say. Just send it to me through text.“

Then the line was disconnected. The 5-minute call just ended. She made another 5-minute free call but I deliberately pushed the End button. So she texted me saying,

“Just let me tell you via voice call. You’re then free to end that call right after.”

Another call was then made. My phone rang. I just looked at it for a couple of seconds, contemplating. I knew the answer even before we made the bet but sometimes, I could not help myself holding on to that tiny hope, getting lost to  that blinding euphoria, hoping that maybe… Just maybe…

Then I decided to answer the call, the call that changed everything.

(This was not exactly the way she told me the news but it was close to it. We were talking in our own dialect. I just translated our conversation and it’s as far as I can remember.)

Kareen said,

“*Gur posted a message on my wall awhile ago saying I should OL. She said it was something urgent. A few minutes after, we chatted and informed me she already had the answer and it was something negative. She even cried the moment she read it. Their chat went this way. They agreed to be honest in everything they’re gonna say. So she asked *Private which He answered typing in all capital letters (translated), “I DON’T HAVE ANY SPECIAL FEELINGS FOR HER, EVEN JUST A SINGLE BIT.”  I hate him Yram. He could have kept it to himself rather than telling her quite frankly.”

I was silent for awhile. I did not quite know how to react. But I still managed to collect myself and chuckled saying,

“No comment. There’s nothing I can do with that. It’s the truth. Maybe he just wants me to stop…”

Deep inside me, however, I agreed with her.

How could he be so brutally honest when he could have just kept it to himself? Why letting others know? He could have confronted and told me straight. Painful but much more acceptable. Why involving others? How could he be so arrogant…? He could have, at least, considered our friendship but apparently, he didn’t. He could have…. Ugh! Never mind. He had every right to be that indiscreet.

Good thing I still managed to make my voice as steady as I could because at one moment, I even swallowed hard that lump in my throat. I could be congratulated for not letting out a sob while we were talking. It was painful. It pierced right through. Kareen tried to console me and I was thankful she was there despite the distance.

It was then that I remembered my dream, the second dream. I knew he did see me because our eyes met but he was so distant in that dream. He acted as if he never saw us or maybe me, rather. He never smiled at me despite us being friends. He never did…

He did nothing but just sat there, making no move, just listening to music and totally ignoring us.

Something like a premonition coming true…

Till next boring session guys!

*Unedited post…Please feel free to make some corrections on my grammar.

Copyright © Yramjin and The Diary of Yramjin, 2010-2011

In My Dreams

SORRY FOR THE wrong GRAMMAR guys.LOL.feel free to make corrections.

Have you ever had dreams?

It’s a stupid question, isn’t it? Because of course, we do have dreams every night. Some we can recall. Some we can’t. It’s amazing how our brain can be so hardworking, functioning 24 hours when it should have been resting, too, during our sleep. Like me, I know you have also been dying to unveil the mystery behind dreams.

Like why do we have to dream?

Where do all those images, emotions, sensations come from?

Why do we feel like all those events seem real?

Is it possible our spirits would actually leave our bodies for a certain period of time and be back on the time set by our biological clock?

Is it possible that, while our physical bodies meet and interact with others during awake, our spirits would take over and do the same thing but during asleep?

In a much more direct question, do our spirits meet while our bodies are lying on bed, snoring and soundly asleep?

Or Are our subconscious thoughts messing up into our minds during our sleep?

These are just some questions that can certainly make our minds whirl. We, humans, are proven to be insatiable, always craving for knowledge butwith DREAM alone, it can definitely busy our minds with so much puzzles.

 So what then is a Dream?

Dream is scientifically elucidated. Based on the observations accumulated by some dedicated scientists, Dreams are strongly associated with Rapid Eye Movement (REM). The depth of its meaning, however, is unfathomable for ordinary people like us who are not acquainted with the complexity of the scientific world. Sometimes, the psychological and spiritual explanations are more graspable and more compelling than what science has to offer because of the mystery they implicate.

Personally, I would say dreaming at night is just the same with daydreaming. The only difference is the “directors” assigned in those dreams. We can be the directors of our reveries or daydreams but we can’t in our night dreams because night-dreams are uncontrollable.

So why the blah-blah of dreams?

Now, let me tell you something about my dreams some few nights ago. You may be wondering why I have included this in my diary. Firstly, it is my first time experience to have dreamed of someone successively. It is not a recurring dream in terms of events. Rather, it is a recurring dream in terms of who I am with. Secondly, those dreams have stories and meanings to tell. They seem to go with the flow because I find them coincidental with reality. Lastly, those dreams are the only ones I can remember among the series, the most vivid ones. Thanks to my hippocampus!

Now, let’s go inside my mind and rewind those intriguing dreams…

1^st Dream (July 7, 2011). “I was sitting on my bed, busy chatting via facebook with him. It was kinda weird because I could see him. I could see his reactions, making me conclude that the uneasiness between us was starting to fade. I could even feel it while dreaming.

It was a brief conversation. We started from “Musta?” to replying “I’m okay.” Then I asked him (translated),

“When will be your flight?”

Just when he was about to reply, I woke up.

2^nd Dream (July 8, 2011). The scene was all so sudden like it came from out of nowhere. I saw him talking to his mother on the phone, desperately begging her to find him another (something like) employment. He was almost on the brink of crying. What was strange again was I saw them talking despite their distance. Then I realized they could not see me. It was like watching a conversation between a mother and son in a movie or some tv shows. I was not able to find out what her mother could have said to pacify him because I suddenly woke up.

3^rd Dream (July 9, 2011). The setting was in the office, particularly at the dirty kitchen. I was standing while he was sitting on a small bench. It was like he was preparing something, a food perhaps? This dream was a bit hazy. I can only remember a few like I was not the viewer anymore. I was part of the scene. I saw him and he saw me. Then poof! Two of our officemates came into the scene like some fairies or people with magic suddenly appearing. Strange, eh? Then I woke up.

4^th Dream (July 11, 2011). Recalling the events of this dream, only two faces keep flashing back, his and my first love’s. Period. This was the most indistinct dream among the series.

5^th Dream (July 12, 2011). The second vaguest dream. I saw his lovely partner in the scene. I didn’t see him but I could feel his presence. This dream let me focused more on the feeling of realization dawning upon me. From that instant while looking at his partner, I realized he could never be mine. Somebody had already owned him and that somebody was that lovely woman. It was vague but it felt like real.

6^th Dream (July 13, 2011). I and my officemates were in our office mess hall when all of a sudden (again), somebody wailed like a child. It was him! Had he not cried so loud, I wouldn’t know he was there! I was really suppressing a laugh because I found the expression on his face a bit comical. Haha! The twist of the story was when, out of nowhere, his mother and his little girl appeared. He then hugged the girl saying he would definitely miss her. That was it, then I woke up.

Six dreams! Three times in a row, a 1-day interval and then another 3 consecutive nights, in particular.  I could have disregarded the why’s that have been bombarding my mind but I simply couldn’t. Curiosity keeps knocking on the door. So I said to myself, “Maybe, opening the door for interpretation is not a bad idea. Why not give it a try?” So here’s my interpretations.

Perhaps the first dream is just a reflection of my desire to chat with him before his leaving from the country and even at present. But because of some factors affecting our platonic relationship, I am restraining myself from getting in touch with him. The desire did come into realization, not in reality, but in my night-dream.

BUT just to give you an afterthought, here’s the trivia for the first dream. It did happen in reality on that very day (July 7, 2011). Only that, it was not me he was chatting with, an officemate. My officemate told me they did. She did not tell me the whole story but part of it was asking him about the schedule of his flight which he answered with “Thursday.” Was it pure coincidence? Or was it coming into real life?

The second dream is perhaps my wish to turn the events my way. Maybe, I want him to stay so I get to see him everyday. But this can also be interpreted via another perspective. Perhaps, too, there was a bit of apprehension on his part (before he went abroad). He was torn between his family and dreams. Maybe something was pulling him to stay but mostly, it was pushing him to pursue his dreams for his family.

The third dream can also be interpreted in two sides, mine and his. Perhaps, the dream is about missing him and I admit I DO. I miss his presence in the office and maybe he, too, does miss, NOT ME of course, but the entire gang in the office.

Thinking of it now, I cannot really remember the sequence of events of the fourth dream. I can only remember the faces. It was him and my first love. Could it be because the intensity of what I have felt for him is the same as what I felt for my past love? Maybe, so.

The fifth dream is sort of the slapping truth. There is a BACK-OFF message telling me to stop this madness. It’s simple. He can never love me back because his heart already belongs to someone. On the other hand, let me see the scene in a different angle. Perhaps, too, the message relayed is to let me realize there are so much complications entailed if we happened to take risk and take that “game” (Part I: Pouring Out )seriously.

The last dream is plain and simple. He misses his family but most especially his little girl. The twist of the story? July 13, 2011 happened to be the day of his flight.

Are these dreams connected to reality?

Are these dreams, in a way, a medium of sending me some messages like message of realization and even of what and how he felt during those times before he left?

Or these are all just my subconscious thoughts because he has affected me  so deeply?

Solving the puzzles of dreams is too complicated. There are many opinions, explanations, theories, studies attached to that subject. Hence, my interpretations are moot.

But be it supported with spiritual, scientific or psychological findings, one thing is certain.

No one can ever decipher the code of DREAMS… except God.

Am I right?

Till next boring session guys! My post is quite long. Haha! Till then. I’ll bore you with my thoughts next reading session! Thanks for droppin’ by.

*Unedited post…

Copyright © Yramjin and The Diary of Yramjin, 2010-2011

The Trying Hard Writer

TO BE EDITED TONIGHT! I AM IN A HURRY!

07.05.11. The morning chill was starting to penetrate into my tiny body, slowly awakening me from a confusing sequence of dreams.  I pulled my blanket  up for insulation and curled up snugly like a fetus in a womb. I was half-asleep, half-awake but the fact that it was Tuesday, getting out of bed was obligatory. Whether I liked it or not, I had to.

Unfortunately, procrastination has already been part of my boring life, clinging unto me like a leech!

So instead of making my way down and started preparing for work, I searched for my mobile phone to check the time, silently hoping it was still too early for the rush. It was more or less 15 minutes past 6 in the morning, it said. I then glanced at my bedside digital clock for verification. It showed a minute delayed than my phone’s. Thinking I still had time to spare to indulge myself into another snooze, I thought to myself, “Perhaps, stealing a few minutes is not that bad enough.” So, I just ignored the obvious message transmitted by the clocks and dozed off for a couple of minutes.

Zzzzzzzz…. Hmp! I don’t snore!

Minutes later, I forced my heavily shut eyes to open only to find out it was almost 7 in the morning! The sun was already up at its 7am position but since my room was covered with a checkered drape mostly of dark to a few light brown hues in contrast to the refreshing I-don’t-know-what-that-color-is-painted wall, my eyes did not squint a single bit. Mr. Sun was not given the chance to infiltrate into that thick fiber of the fabric.

Nonetheless, I let out a grunt. As tempting as it was, I dragged myself out of bed, cleaned up my mess and grabbed a towel and a pair of undies before heading downstairs for a quick pour (We don’t have a shower! We’re poor, you know.). So, splaaaaassssssshhhhh! Then I was done.

I knew I would be late for the nth time today. So I decided to rush outside for a short walk going to the office after donning my daily informal wear, jeans and Tee, but wearing my dingy worn-out yet comfy faded yellow Slazenger canvas with pink shoelace. I wore a pair of girly yet sophisticated flats yesterday. So I opted for a rugged pair today.

Uhm, let me wander off the main topic first. I love shoes! And I love wearing them one each day! I prefer old shoes though because I can’t afford new ones. I also love chic sandals!

Okay, so there, enough of those small details…

I went to the office with an empty stomach. I did it on purpose. One, the office is just a walking distance so it would not be a hassle going back for breakfast. Two, I did not want to hear that recorded voice of a woman saying “Thank you!” even if I timed-in, using my index print, minutes after 8:00! She should have been telling me, “You’re late again and again!” She’s not being honest to herself! Hahah!

With that being confessed, I know what’s playing on your mind right now. Yeah! I knew it was simple cheating but I promise it’s not gonna happen again. Period.I won’t be giving you any further explanation regarding that matter. My lips are tightly sealed! Zipppeeeeeddddd!!!!!Don’t mind fretting over it!

Anyway, my story does not end here, of course! My mouth can never recognize a “shut up” signboard in some other matters when I’m blogging. So I’m gonna continue blabbering here and if you happen to read this blog, please do bear with me. I can be a boring storyteller, exhausting you with so much dangling words. Well, that’s just simply my style of writing. Okay, so much for the meanders again…  

I was glad I was not late today. I arrived at the log-station at 7:52AM. I then retraced my way back, dropping by the office for a matter of seconds, and then went out heading home to eat an early meal. With only less to masticate because I scooped only a cup of rice, I was done eating a couple of minutes after.

For your information, I do not eat much during breakfast. I am not much an early eater. Blame it to my hyperacidity! I have always had this morning churn inside my stomach whenever I smell oily and sometimes sour foods during early hours of the day and if things get worse, vomiting is the next scene!

I do love mornings but my stomach doesn’t. This may be the simplest reason why I am skinny, not to mention I have this incredible rapid metabolism! Sometimes, I do wonder how my tummy can be so overworking in a lot of times. I eat as many as healthy people can. I usually eat a lot during lunches and dinners but I can’t gain fats! Hmp! If I were to give an award to my digestive system, I would be handing that award over to my stomach and small intestines the soonest possible time for being the most hyperactive duo when it comes to liquefying and further digestion of foods!

Okay, so much for the rant of not gaining even just a few fats…

I went back to the office afterwards doing NOTHING. Uhmm… I did read an Agricultural Engineering Board Review material but that was just it for the entire day. Uhmm…I did work on some printouts but I stopped and went back reading, absentmindedly burying my face into that first topic I chose, the Engineering Shop subject. I answered its by-level exercises and then checked my answers via Answer Key. I found out I made an averagely impressive performance on the Easy Level by scoring 14/20, but dramatically dropped to 7/20 on its Moderate Level and managed to get a break-even score on the Difficult Level, 5/10. Hmmff! You couldn’t blame me! The book required me to answer some questions with answers nowhere to be found in those articles, or what do you call that! I was only depending on those articles because, at that moment, I had no other sources besides that material.

Furthermore, I am still on the stage of scraping the layers of rust off my head thickened for 4 years of staying idle!I did not take up the AE Board Exam right after I graduated last 2007 from a particular university and I still haven’t since then. I did not even exert an effort to stress my brain out even by just undergoing myself through a self-review.

Therefore, my mind is kinda adjusting to those bolts, nuts, screw, rivets, softwood, hardwood, power tools, power machines, types of saw, power shears, nails, computation for board foot and other terminologies! Not to mention, Engineering Shop is only a minor subject and there’s still a lot more to busy my deteriorating brain in the coming days! Ugh! Just reading a few pages of it, even without seriously reading it, totally drained my cerebrum!

Nevertheless, it was better that way than doing totally nothing. It has been several weeks since I felt I did sweat my ass off doing a real job. I am not enjoying the ambiance of our office now. Nepotism hangs in the air and its venom is starting to poison me. It is slowly eating me.I have been trying to disregard this bad vibe but I can’t most of the time. It’s got me secluding myself from my co-workers, as if I have my own world and it does not revolve around them. Anyway, I won’t be pouring out the entire story of that dilemma today. Be posting it one of these days.

Going back to my daily routine, I ended my working day flipping through the pages of that reviewer, a few chats with officemates and then jotting down my memories of the past day.

At home, I went upstairs and waited for dinner by re-reading The Godfather. Unfortunately, I dozed off but was still able to eat dinner with my family. Sleep was then elusive for a couple of hours. So I stayed at the living room watching etc shows. One thing that got me interested was the Bachelor Pad, quite interesting!

Yeah, they are all handsome men and beautiful women but it is their culture that  had got me hooked. They are quite open-minded. I want to elaborate this topic further but I’m afraid this post is too long for a post , my head is starting to ache and my eyes are beginning to

d

r

o

p!

Till next time readers and bloggers! 

*Unedited post..

Copyright © Yramjin and The Diary of Yramjin, 2010-2011

“ABYSS”

My illustration for my poem Abyss

“ABYSS”

by jinjin

Ambling through the flat terrain

Of a long narrow meander

Seeking for fabled stones of Hansel and Gretel

That lit up as the crescent moon shone its luminous brightness…

Alas! Down that long winding path,

As darkness engulfed the vastness of nature,

Came the terrifying shrill of a monstrous creature

Sent me shivers and made me catch my dying breath…

Fear began to sweep all over my frail body

I couldn’t move a foot, I couldn’t see a thing…

Making me wonder, “Where did all the glitters of the night go?”

“Why was I so alone in this forsaken gloomy denseness?”

Suddenly, a light shimmered at the far end

Igniting the littlest hope that was left of me

I tried with all my might to scurry away

But my knees began to quiver, and the ground where I was stuck, also began to quiver…

As everything shook around me

The littlest I had also died so instantly

Vanished so swiftly I couldn’t even grasp the tiniest of it

And that instant it was killed, was the instant the light shone so brightly towards me…

It was so near yet so far

But seemed like an apparition as time passed by

Still, wished I could be radiated with even just the tip of its glow

But how could it possibly be?

When underneath, the mouth of the treacherous earth awaited to devour me

And how could it be when I just couldn’t evade falling into the abyss

Where the gnawing pain

Would always be a forever menace.

by: jinjin



Illustrated “ABYSS” by Jinjin

Trying to draw that face-design i saw on Tshirt_myVersion

“Behind My Smile”

by jinjin

Lying down on bed one night

in deep thoughts

swarming like bees

keeping me wide awake till daybreak

Whew! Sleep was  elusive

Taunting me to chase after it

but the chase got so tough

I stopped and drew a breath

But pausing was a lot tougher

the urge to win began to subside

exhaustion took over

and tears began to roll down my cheeks

Oh! it was that lingering past…

that torturing present

that kept me away from deep slumber

and stabbed me like a sword pierced through one’s heart

I begged for Him to let me close my eyes

till i would be awakened by sunrise

and  face the world with a sunny smile

away from the crying all night…:’(

"Behind My Smile" lies the Tears....;'(

by: jinjin 06.03.10

“Stare”

A while ago as I was dusting the dirt off the windowpanes, my mind busied itself creating a poem out of those hidden emotions I’ve buried within me almost my entire life. I was planning to jot down those swarming thoughts later but then decided to do it right away because I tend to forget things easily. LOL! So now, presenting to you my 4th poem entitled “Stare”.

Sad...sad...sad...in pain...:(

“Stare” by jinjin

Along the street

I walk

Much as I want

to be oblivious

I can never escape

that stare…

A stare

full of ridicule

of mock

of disgust

of bullies

makes my sleep

elusive each night

A night

filled with bugging thoughts

urging me to mask my face

all throughout the days of my life

But why, oh God?

I have done

nothing wrong…

I just walk there

and I get that

stare…

If you have noticed, my poems “ABYSS”, “Behind My Smile” and this recent one, “Stare”, deliver the same thought. They are actually one. Only that, in “Stare”, I am very much more specific…

Part 1: Campus Love Diary

This is the longest poem I created. I call it “narrative poem”. Pardon for that term because I do not actually know the right term for this piece. “Part 1: Campus Love Diary“ is just one of those secrets I have kept within me for so long. Hope you will have a great time reading this..nyeheheh… Oh! Never mind my grammar and the way I am expressing it. I think, it is understandable for someone like me who has not undergone through formal lessons on poetry. I mean, I had literature when I was in high school and college, but it is not enough. I still have lots to learn in this field. You know what made me write? One, because there was nothing I could post here besides my drawings and layouts. Two, because I came to a realization that poem-writing is indeed fun (thanks to those poem-bloggers) and three, poem-writing is my outlet. It is from those poems where you will be able to get to know the real me. So here comes my 5th poem…It’s a series and so if you will find it enjoyable to read, don’t miss its next story..:)

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“Part 1: Campus Love Diary”

by jinjin

"Longing for you..." - i saw a design on a shirt.i took a pic of it and tried to computer-draw it..this is my version.pinkie!!!

The moment I laid my eyes upon you

the world stopped revolving

at the back of my mind, I uttered,

“Gwapo kaso suplado.”

Then I blinked, reality dawned upon me

You already walked past me

I forgot to say, “Hi! Welcome!”

and never got the chance to shake your hands

Then came the following days

along the street, accidentally our eyes met

mine went blank yet there was a message kept behind

yours seemed blank ‘coz there really was nothing to hide

Then came the unexpected of the unexpected

till now I do not know why it happened

why God allowed it to happen

the day when we got to know tidbits of each other

It really was a puzzle to me

why among the “manits” of our university

it was you and your buddies

that we’d been given a chance to mingle with

On the day of the revelation,

the venue chosen was your apartment, your suggestion

when we came there, your place was only lit with candles

making the ambiance as if filled with an air of simple romance

Part 2: Campus Love Diary

Still, I insisted and left it to your friend

‘Coz you drifted off to sleep while I did the finalizing

To be honest, I was on the brink of crying

and blamed myself for being such an idiot having done that stupid thing…

-an excerpt from Part 1: Campus Love Diary

“Part 2: Campus Love Diary” is apparently the continuation of Part 1: Campus Love Diary. Check out this sequel..That someone has been revealed in here. I was actually hesitant to post his real name. I am afraid he might read this because I’ve been posting my blogsite links on my facebook account and in fact, it had been flooding my FB pals’ homepages the past several days;) But part of me keeps hoping he might not…Anyways, just try to read this storytelling-poem guys (my officemate said it’s too long and that makes this boring..uhm,just think of this as a “love-paperback-expressed-in-a-poem-Poem”…nyeheheh) and please do not hesitate to comment. I’m new to poem-writing and so please feel free to be a critic.

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“Part 2: Campus Love Diary”

by jinjin

"Longing for you..." - i saw a design on a shirt.i took a pic of it and tried to computer-draw it..this is my version.the original "coloring":)

Yeah, it really was a stupid thing

For me to have kept on insisting

When I knew right from the very outset

That drawing? I could very well do it…

I left with a heavy heart

Suppressing my tears from streaming down my face

But there was no one to blame why I was hurt

Only my stubbornness, no one else…

The next night, I returned to your place

And just when I reached the gate, the girl rumored to be in love with you asked me this,

“Larry? He was right there.”

And so off I went to look for you there…

When I found you, my heart kept fluttering

Like butterflies in a meadow flying

Then I broke our silence and said,

“Did you draw it? Can I get it right this very minute?”

Then I noticed a note on your wooden door

but wasn’t able to find out what it was for

I hadn’t had the chance ‘coz you snatched and crumpled it right away

Then a “Sorry Glynn, I wasn’t able to draw it.” You said emotionlessly…

Part 3: Campus Love Diary

But to my surprise, when I stepped on the ground

You were there standing waiting for someone

I thought that someone was a boardmate of mine

But to my heart’s delight, I was the one…..

An excerpt from Part 2: Campus Love Diary

********************************************************************

“Part 3: Campus Love Diary”

by jinjin

Longing for you..." - i saw a design on a shirt.i took a pic of it and tried to computer-draw it..this is my version.

Oh! You just did not know

How euphoric I always was whenever I was with you

And then came the day when fate seemed to be really playing us

The very first, that was by scheduling our Math 61 class…

That first day of that Mathematics,

I sat beside Ellen, an ECE mate

Chatting nonstop with her while waiting for Mr. Teacher

Then my oh my! You came through that door and got a seat at the very rear

I actually pretended to have not seen you

I was confident you were not aware of it

But you slightly confronted me later that night

For being such a bad actress…

Yeah, it was on our Analytic Geometry & Calculus 2

When again we had to bear with each other

I, because I got a crush on you

You, because you found me such a bother…

I did not know if whether or not I had to be thankful

‘Coz it was you of all people

So I had to strive harder not to get flunked

From that subject I’d wanted to junk…

Part 4: Campus Love Diary The Finale

This was supposed to be posted yesterday but after an almost 7-kilometer hike up that farm-to-market road under the scorching heat of the sun, my mind froze. I was so drained I could not set my brain working with words not to mention, I am not yet sooo good at it. So I just opened my so long inactive account in Youtube last night to view some of those BRETZIE (Bret Jackson and Fretzie Bercede) moments in Pinoy Big Brother Teen Clash of 2010. Yeah, I am a fan of them.  I am not gonna deny that because I am not a hypocrite to say I don’t find them so kilig to be watched out for every primetime night. So I searched for their videos but unfortunately, I had a hard time viewing those video clips because one, our place is still not WIFIed. Two, we do not have here that Smartbro connection with canopy (I’m not sure with that term). Three, we can surf the internet via broadband or the plug-it type and phone modems, yes, but the connection here in our underdeveloped yet peaceful place to live in is oftentimes unstable. Fluctuation of data transported and received is your number one enemy. Then I remembered my cousin Mhaine telling me to download a video downloader. So I googled “video downloader software” and google gave me those sites where I could I find it. I chose one and that was where I got that FlashLynx. But oh! I still had problems downloading some vids. I do not know why I could not download some completely and where the errors came from. I really do not know where that glitch might be. So I closed the window for it before it would get on my nerves and decided to finalize this post, the finale of of my Campus Love Diary storytelling poem series. I know some of you may find  this boring and tiresome to read especially its Part 1 because it’s too long for a poem but it is okay. I think it is acceptable for the mere fact that my style of expressing what happened to me many years ago is to poem the supposed to be storytelling/narrative story and because of that, I could avoid lots of sentences to write. I could make “cuts”. So that means, I do not have to be that descriptive of the occurrences.  Confusing? Please, re-read it And if you don’t want to, you may now proceed reading the finale…;)

“Part 4: Campus Love Diary”

by jinjin

-—– (“Hu u?”  ***scrolling down***

“Kala m nkalimutan na kta noh?”

“D ah! Kw pa, eh, lagi kang nasa isipan k..”) ——–

——– (“Wt wud u do f we shud end our frndshp? Cry? Give up & say goodbye?”

“Me? I won’t do anything.. Bt il jz smply hold u close & gntly wsper…”

“Ayaw Pamiya Ba” (**Don’t leave me**)———–

excerpt from Part 3: Campus Love Diary

"Longing for you" - i saw this design on a shirt. i then took a pic of it and tried to draw it..charaaannn! this is my version;)

Oh! So much for those meaningless messages!

Just making my head aches

Let us flash it back again

That night we were arguing over something

It was just one of those nights

That I was alone in our boarding house

Caught with fear, I headed downstairs

And went to your place so I could sleep over

Oh! It was not new to you, in fact to all of you,

‘Coz it started on the day when our group-friendship grew stronger

Kuya Eric even suggested that whenever I was alone,

I was free to come over…

Ugh! But that was the night when I discovered

What you thought of me all those years

Blame it to those blankets of yours that I persistently asked for

not caring if you could use one or no more

It actually went this way:

I: I need that one lar (pointing to the one you were holding). I can’t sleep without one. This (holding a sheet you provided) is my blanket.

Once a Paradise

Copyright © Yramjin and The Diary of Yramjin, 2010-2011

In a world where we live in, change is quite inevitable. Once this ever-changing world was primitive, now booming with high technologies. Once a serene place to live in, now a living chaos of intensified modernization. And that is because of our thirst for more knowledge. A knowledge that sometimes brings us to the world of discontentment.

Our Divine Creator provided us a shelter called Earth. An earth dense in lushness, with vast expanse of blue waters, with an azure sky adorned with soft cottony clouds, a good soil enriched with countless nutrients, soaring peaks, wild and domestic creatures to enliven up the surroundings with distinct sounds. He gave us the day to brighten up our world and a night shining with twinkling stars and a luminous moonlight.  Yes, He made everything for us from the amazingly tiniest organism to the largest ever created.

But because of the bestowed gift of  innate ingenuity, we, humans, do constantly seek for answers, unravel the complexities of life’s enigma,  hypothesize, and then experiment for a more concrete proof until an invention is born. We take strides at greater lengths to attain new developments as new technologies, gigantic infrastructures, highly powered plants, industrial establishments and other modern stuff. We have not ceased being scientifically inquisitive and creative because we are naturally curious, naturally ambitious but incredibly discontented.

But let me help you discern the difference.

Close your eyes and imagine living a life with only the rustling of leaves, soft whisper of the gentle breeze, the clashing of waves ashore, the sweet chirping of birds as they fly high, and the velvety voice of our nature we can hear. Aren’t all these music to your ears?

Or is music to you the bustling cities with deafening honks and screeching tires from many cars jam-packing the suffocating streets? Or the hurried footsteps from preoccupied crowd? Or the tinkling of bottles, roaring laughter of drinkers and disco-goers as they dance to the tune of loud boom from speakers at the bars each night? Or is music to you the harsh blow of smoke from various flourishing factories rampant today?

Does the world change for the better? Or are the changes only aimed for to satiate our infinite cravings for modernity?

The choice is in our hands and mine is to live a life with music softly humming to my ears.

Let us save our Mother Earth before it is way too late because once in our limited span of life, we lived in a paradise.

Re-uploaded but now embedded with my name and year:my drawing!

Re-uploaded but now embedded with my name and year:my drawing!

A Disconcerting Truth…

“When God showered His blessings of beauty upon all of us, I was soundly asleep…”

I always said that to myself jokingly whenever I would be feeling down and starting to have that wistful thinking about gaining a few pounds. Yes, I am skinny, the skinniest of the skinniest, the boniest among the boniest, and every ruthless word thrown at me by those cruelly insensitive bullies has haunted me since the day the harshness of reality struck me.

Everyday, I worry about how I look.

I worry about what others think of me when they see me wearing this or wearing that.

But WHY?

I worry because of those mocking stares and worse, insulting words despite the fact that I have not done anything wrong to them.

I worry because of those unsolicited cutting remarks that torment me each night.

I worry because they have never failed to laugh at my expense.

I am always the JOKE they so love to crack just to get that guffaw they so want to experience.

Have you read my poem entitled “Stare”? Among all the poems I have created (“ABYSS” and “Behind My Smile”), that poem has conveyed the loudest and clearest picture of what I am dreading of. Yes, it has always been that “stare” that I am struggling so hard just to set me free from entanglement. It has always been that “stare” that keeps me hiding in my closet most of the time. It has always been that “stare” that makes me question His existence.

“Why is He so insensitive?

“Why is He undaunted with all the tears I shed?”

“Why won’t He spare the littlest of His precious time to listen to my pleas?”

“Does He really exist?”

These are all the questions that keep hovering over me. I have tried different ways to get His attention. But perhaps, He is too busy to attend to my begging. Okay, I get it. There are so many of us and the fact that I am one of those  most sinful makes it a lot worse. But I thought sinners were most prioritized…

Or perhaps, I need to shout it out so He can hear me…

Or perhaps again, the problem is in me. The root of the problem is me because maybe, I am lost. He is trying to reach me out but I keep hiding… I keep getting so far away…

But the saddest fact, I cannot see Him looking for me…

“Where are you God?”

Nowhere

For the nth time, I was late again. I should feel lucky not to have been called on by the Admin to discuss suspension or worse, termination for being best in tardiness at work. Urgh! Blame it to PBB, I am getting used to being such an owl.LOL! Anyways, I still reported for work that day despite making it at around 8:10AM. We were to be in Barangay Hall of Oteiza at 9:00AM for BDP Critiquing. I chose it over that schedule at Buatong because I was pretty sure, they could manage even without me. I was not needed there (don’t get me the wrong way!:)So I went to the hall because I was expected to document the activity, take down minutes and everything for the rest of the day. The food was superb. I ate much but it was the main purpose of the activity that was luring me to drift off. It was boring. That’s it. So amidst their discussion, I was drifting. I had to catch up with my flowing thoughts before they would be gone in my head. My memory is “too short” and so I have to grab every chance I get. I focused hard in between their arguments over some particular profile data and when reality would bit me, I would then take down their remarks as to what needed to be changed in that BDP. Then after several minutes, I came up with this…:) been playing in my head while eating our lunch…

by jinjin

Into the darkness

Chased by the unknown

Chest heaving, gasping

Sweating profusely

Running for life

Then suddenly,

Lifted into the air

Soaring high, floating

Plotting for a ploy

Making decoys

Just to escape

But landed into a large vessel

Sailing across the ocean

This time,

Chased by the furious waves

Ready to devour

So sail, sail, sail…

Away from its wrath

But!

As if heard by an angel

Waves suddenly vanished into thin air

A handsome stranger came into sight

Swept me off my feet

Kissing me

A kiss so tender

Like a kiss of forever

But again!

Ended so abruptly

By a deafening shrill

Kkkkrrrrriiiiinnnnnngggggggg!!!!!

Oh!

It was all just a dream

So strange

And

So deceiving…

You do agree with me, don’t you? It’s not exactly one of my dreams. Or maybe it is. I just cannot recall I did dream that way. I’m referring to the sequencing. But one thing I have found out and maybe you share the same conclusion; dream is one of the most mysterious things ever happened to all of us, isn’t it? J Nothing and nobody can totally unravel its story behind the haunting each night, not even science.

“Woman is a Woman” ***Reblogged***

check out my drawings..:) and my poem i made out of my artworks

“Woman is a Woman” is a poem created out of my collective artworks. I was actually planning to just publish my computer-drawn women and give some comments on each why I came up with that and the likes. But then something popped into my cluttered mind which made me consider this question, “What if I’m gonna write a few lines behind every drawing?” With that idea, I decided to make that twist be put into writing. My “computer-drawings” (It’s my coi … Read More

via The Web World of Yramjin

Love Struck

by jinjin

One day

I saw you

I was struck

Dazzled

Mesmerized

By the enigma

A reflection

On your handsome face

A face leaving

Imprint in my heart

A heart deeply wounded

Knowing yours

Never

Beats the same way

Mine does…

Pages of Learning

Uhmmm.. I’m not yet satisfied with the title…still thinking of something more appropriate…

PAGES of LEARNING

by jinjin

From A to Z

From 1 to zillions

From sketches to real photos

Formed, phrased, laid out

Forever printed

In every leaf of wonders

It’s a leaf.

A leaf

To places you have never been with

To the worlds of fantasies and realities

To the myriad of truth

Of knowledge

BUT

Only unfold

When flipped…

Read…

And delved.

One, Two, Three Sssshhhhhh…

by jinjin

One, the most common

A soft whisper

Tickling your ears

Promises made

Sealed with crossed fingers…

Two, the rarest

Doodling, scribbling

Letters become words

Words become sentences

Sentences become paragraphs

Paragraphs become a story

A story printed on leaves

dated and well-kept…

And three,

Silently buried

within a workaholic mind

In a stomping heart…

It is like a code to decipher

Like a mystery to unveil

Because it is a secret

And please do not tell

Sssshhhhhh…

**** uhm, still need to modify this, eh.. ****

(((:”The Joke Is On Me” :)))

“The best joke is not measured on how everybody laughs loudly but on how you crack it without laughing at somebody’s expense. “ – jinjin-

When I was a kid, I found practical jokes really fun! I enjoyed watching movies like Home Alone Series, Matilda, Casper and other kiddie stuff with all the chivvy, devising of funny schemes just to get rid of the culprit while I, on the other hand, could not help feeling triumphant when after all the gloating and then the execution of naughty plans, the kid lead actor would survive the mess unscathed.

Today, trending in the world of laughter is known as the “modern ironic humour” or simply the “ironic humour”. Let me quote its definition stated in one of the articles of Reader’s Digest. “Modern ironic humour is often described as a joke that requires two audiences – one that gets the joke and one that does not.” To be more specific, it is when one picks on someone and then “verbally” makes fun of him and for us Filipinos, in short, it is “Okray”.

Yes, I do admit I am not an exception among those who let out a hearty guffaw whenever a celebrity comedian/comedienne “okrays” someone for the sake of a much livelier show. I cannot help laughing especially when the joker strikes his joke in such a perfect timing you would really feel that the joke is nothing but a mere joke. It is nothing personal. It is just part of the show.

But what if you are laughed at not for the show but because the joker just feels like doing it? Hmmm… That is another thought to be contemplated on. Another story, don’t you think?

Humans have dark sides and of course, that does not exclude me. I have my own fair share BUT I am certainly not one of those people who can laugh at someone’s misery, be it because of the practical or the ironic joke thrown at him. Well, it all boils down from my past and present experiences. I cannot bear to look at the victim getting all the embarrassment and all the pain alongside of it because I, myself, had been there. In fact, I have always been there.

Oftentimes, people just cannot distinguish the distinction between an intelligent verbal joke and the ironic humour. They often think of these as one. Their minds are set to the idea that for as long as they have made the crowd smile, chuckle, laugh out loudly and for as long as they have caught even the slightest attention of their audience, the joke is considered a success. It does not matter whether or not somebody gets into a haplessly awkward situation and gets all the humiliation. And I despise them for that. I despise people who are insensitive with others’ feelings, tactless, cruel. For me, they are those who have got a bad sense of humour.

They should have realized that the pain of anyone is simply not a joke and to get the best laugh, they must crack it without laughing at somebody’s expense.

***not yet final but still posted… ***

Pretty In Pink

Copyright © Yramjin and The Diary of Yramjin, 2010-2011

It is one of those cartoon photos that I really find cuuuuuttttteeee. I took a pic of it then drew it my way. It’s actually a photo of three girls but I opted for the girl at the left side because I find her chic among them. She’s wearing the same style of the dress of the original but I chose to colour mine in black and dark pink stripes. The original is a black and white photo with the right arm raised and bent so her hand touches somewhere her head or perhaps, her ears. The other arm is partly hidden behind the girl at the center. I could not draw it similarly to the original. So I put all her hands behind her back and then gave the entire pic a nice sprayed stroke making it look this way…charrraaaannnn!!!!

Re-uploaded but now embedded with my name and year:my drawing!

by jinjin

Beautiful girl

In pink

Like a flower blossoming

So fresh… 

The background layout is just a picture of flowers. It’s “filtered” and pinked entirely. Then those texts? “my latest drawing” and “jin2” are all my “hand-through-the-mouse-writing”, quite original..    You can never find those fonts in any computer.  They’re my handwriting via mouse… 

Check out my other drawings by clicking on these links:

“Woman is a Woman”

My “Nature-Drawings” : Beginner’s Level

Other Drawings of a Newbie: Forgotten

Unexpected Gift of Art: My 19th Drawing

Copyright © Yramjin and The Diary of Yramjin, 2010-2011

One of my prettiest drawings I have ever done.(*wink*). Really! Kidding and modesty aside.

It’s one of those days when ennui is my companion and I feel like drowning myself into my artistic oblivion…(*????*)

It’s one those days when I feel like switching on my notebook, single-clicking that icon called Photoshop, opening for a new “computer-canvas”, clicking on the pencil and start drawing, drawing, drawing it till you won’t see the similarity between the original subject and my version. Check this out!

Re-uploaded but now embedded with my name and year:my drawing!

MOst of my drawings, posted as illustrations for my poem entitled “Woman Is A Woman”, are privately published…temporarily while I’m on its editing. It will be re-posted publicly later.

Repressed…

I was writing…
Suddenly you came near me…
so close behind me…
Your body touching mine…
You teased me…
And I ran after you…
We both laughed aloud…
Then I was back again…
Writing…
Hours passed…
You stood right next to me…
So close I was holding my breath…
I wanted to move an inch..
Away from the closeness…
‘Coz I was afraid…
Not because of the contact…
Not of you…
But I was afraid of myself…
Afraid that unknown emotion would surface…
Betraying me…
Then as I was busy with my thoughts…
You gently touched my neck…
Giving it a nice pinch…
Sending me a tickle…
Tickle I dread but I like…
Tickle that bothers me…
Because what I’m feeling now…?
Is undeniably forbidden.

by jinjin (08.16.2010)

Dillydallying = 8:00AM plus

What do you call this one? Actually, I don’t know. I just make it sound like a poem (or for me, this piece is really a poem )

I was not in my mood of drafting a lot of paragraphs. So I shortened my daily dillydally by making it a poem. (It sounds like a poem, doesn’t it?) LOL!

Anyway, just give it a shot even though I’m not that good in poetry.

Dillydallying = 8:00AM plus

by jinjin

Kkkkrrrriiiiiiiiingggggggg!!!!!!!!! Kkkkrrrriiiiiiiiingggggggg!!!!!!!!!

At 6:00 AM my bedside digital clock

Annoyingly makes its morning noise

Ugh! I hate it

Especially on weekdays

‘Coz stop dreaming that means

Off to work it urges

But sleep lures me to lay still

And keeps my eyes heavily shut

So I push its button to stop

Then give myself an extension

A 5-minute or worse, more than that.

At almost 7:00 AM, again I wake up

No choice but drag myself away from bed

and scold myself giving a stern, “Hey! Don’t tarry!”

‘Coz I usually then sit on my bed for minutes

With mind wandering somewhere

So another groan, “Ugh! Get going!”

And off I go downstairs

To hurriedly cook rice for breakfast

While eating my meal

Eating, drifting, eating, drifting

Until I finish eating

Then a, “Hurry! Go get your towel!”

And off I go upstairs.

At the bathroom, I say a brief informal prayer,

“Lord, thanks for giving us this day.

Hope I and my family will always be safe and healthy.

Please bless this water,too. Hope I’ll be fine with this.”

Then a splash of water

Trickling down my tiny body

So I stomp my feet to keep me warm a bit

And quickly finish my hygienic rituals.

As I get past our round wall clock

It tick-tocks  saying,

“Hurry! Hurry! Hurry!”

Though it is now pointless to hurry

So I dress myself in no haste

Say goodbye to Pa and Ma

And walk down the road

In my normal pace

Arriving at the office

so late…

Don’t be like me guys. Don’t be late at work. It’s definitely not good.

My 20th Drawing: Country Life

Copyright © Yramjin and The Diary of Yramjin, 2010-2011

I was actually hesitant to post my 20th artpiece but obviously, I changed my mind.

This is again a product of Photoshop. I drew everything you see there (of course, that white outlined text there is just one of those fonts you can find in a computer. FYI: Bernard MT Condensed ).

The concept was drawn out of  the jigsaw puzzle (if I’m not mistaken. It sounds like that.) of gamehouse I used to play. I saw a lot of beautiful country homes there. Those are my dreamhouses but sad to say my version is not what I wanted it to look like.

My version of that girl, by the way, is almost the same with that drawing-subject I saw on my sister’s T-shirt. Only that, I colored mine differently.

I hope you will like it guys.

Re-uploaded but now embedded with my name and year:my drawing!

My 21st Drawing: Girl in Curls

Copyright © Yramjin and The Diary of Yramjin, 2010-2011

I’m in a hurry! I’ve nothing more to say except that this is my 21st drawing done by using the Photoshop application. Check this out. (I’m gonna edit this later.)

 

Re-uploaded but now embedded with my name and year:my drawing!

The Concepts of War

This poem was created out of my sympathy to young soldiers who fought hard against Japs and died carrying out their mission in a mountainous battlefield.

The Concepts of War

By jinjin

One sunny afternoon

Resting on a couch

Browsing through channels

From ABS-CBN to Bio

To etc to any hang-outs

Then I came across

With the Hollywood’s Box Office

Or HBO as commonly called

And as flashed on TV screen

It was The Pacific S106: Part Six.

First scene I saw

Was a group of young soldiers

Sharing a canteen of water

As if their lives depended on it

As if it would be their last gulp

‘Cause shortly after passing on

Gunshots hung into a dusty air

So they moved out

Loaded with guns and bombs

Faces wearing false bravado

Nevertheless, hearts gushing forth

With unwavering determination

To brush off the fear

And battle against the foes

Until they drew their last breath

Offered for their countrymen.

Then thoughts raced through

Rampaging every single nerve of my brain

But only these persevered,

“Were they really fighting for nation as inculcated?”

Or

“Were they, even their enemies,

Just victims of war?”

Ordered to conquer the world

Cunningly schemed

By the High and Mighty

To quench the thirst for power

That was driven

By the unfathomable greed.

These are the two concepts of war.

You can either think this way

Or the other way around

Question is

Which side you are on?

Woman is a Woman

Copyright © Yramjin and The Diary of Yramjin, 2010-2011. All rights reserved.

Woman Is A Woman

by jinjin

Woman

Innately worldly

Glamorously existing

In this physical world of independence

Woman

A contrasting personality

Nakedly alluring yet charmingly naive

Simply womanly

Woman

A heavenly scented blossom of Mother Nature

a nymph enchanting all divine creatures

Casting a magical spell so spellbinding

Woman

the lovely silhouette and other half of man

forever be cherished

nothing can put an end even the kiss of death

Woman

Most beautiful among creations

An enigma of endless centuries

A face that could launch a thousand ships

Woman is simply a Woman.

I had already published this poem several months ago with each (what do you call that?) stanza having illustrations in the form of my drawings but I temporarily publish all my illustrations privately…:)

What Do I Usually Do?

What Do I Usually Do?

By jinjin

What do I usually do?

Stare

Not from up down

But stare back

Straight to the eye

With no emotions reflecting

Not even a hint of uneasiness

But just a mere

Unfathomable void.

What do I usually do?

I usually walk past the stranger

Holding my head up high

Face masked

Revealing not a single expression

Sense of hearing goes along

Hearing nothing

Other than the silent scream

Of hurt

Of anguish

Of pain.

What do I usually do?

I throw not a hard stare

But soften with a smile

Plastered on face

A smile just twitching

From the corner of my lips

Urging my mind

To repress what I am thinking

And to not mouth it out

My heart

To not bleed

And myself

To swallow the lump in my throat

And hold back the tears

Threatening to stream down my cheeks.

What do I usually do?

It is what I do…

When someone scrutinizes me from head to toe

When I pass by and hear harsh words from someone I do not know

And when I am the joke in front of the many…

But why so?

Because ah my friend!

Sometimes

It is best to defend yourself

In the most silent way you know.

Copyright © Yramjin and The Diary of Yramjin, 2010-2011

ELUSIVE

ELUSIVE

By jinjin

 

Love could sometimes be so elusive

The first time I fell in love

It was with the laidback type of guy

He was unattached

And seemed to have noticed me

Because I could feel it

From the way he stared at me from afar

And looked away up close

From the way he devised ways

Just to discreetly touch my hand

Or purposely bump into me

From the way he expressed his emotion

Through a long week of deafening silence

Not speaking up

Just letting me feel his presence

But then gave up

Because I was such an intimidation

From the way he kidded me

Saying “I love you jin” through a prank call

From the way he tried to bridge the gap

Through a casual talk in person

After 8 long years of avoiding each other

I could feel it

But for some reasons

I was left hanging mid-air.

Then love again was elusive

The second time I fell in love

It was with a mysterious handsome guy

He was single but seemed to have preferred

Not hanging out with me

Because I could feel it

From the way he left me alone

And chose to chat with our other chums

From the way he made same alibi twice

Just to get away from my company

From the way he was so annoyingly silent

When we were together

From the way he frankly told me

I was such a spoiled brat

But I could feel it, too

From the way he sat beside me so close

And put his chin on my shoulder

From the way he offered to lift me up

So I could see my reflection in a mirror

From the way he sometimes playfully punched my arms

Or gave me a nice single tickle on my waist

From the way he confronted me

For a 1-week absence in class

From the way he offered to let me spend the night at their place

And teach me lessons I missed

From the way he asked me about my grade

And then looked up my name in a class record

From the way he diverted my interest for his friend

By simply implying he could do it, too

From the way he found me such a nuisance

But still gave in to what I wanted

From the way he gave me his new number and room

Even if I did not ask for it

From the way he begged

Because I started ignoring him

By keeping my distance

As confusing as it were

Still, I could feel it…both.

Then now, love is still elusive

After 3 long years

That buried emotion has been awakened

By a guy I should not get mixed up with

Not only because

He does not have anything for me

Other than a platonic relationship

But because

It is simply

Forbidden.

So I wonder

Why love can be so much elusive?

When all these years

I have not been chasing after it.

Copyright © Yramjin and The Diary of Yramjin, 2010-2011

My 1st of 2011:My23rd Masterpiece

Copyright © Yramjin and The Diary of Yramjin, 2010-2011

I thought I could not draw anymore because it’s been several months since I did my last 2010 masterpiece. It took me almost 4 hours to finish it. I was kinda adjusting with all the sketches, strokes, the brushing and everything. It was as if I was working on my 1st art piece. Fortunately, I was able to make it from the very first dot to the very end and so now I’m back opening my 2011 with a chic girl in a nice pose.

Re-uploaded but now embedded with my name and year:my drawing!

Delving into the meaning of this post, this is actually an inspiration to me. The girl is oozing with confidence.She loves her body. She loves herself. She reminds me to do just the same. HAPPY 2011 readers!

For Him

For Him (E2E)

By: jinjin

While sitting,

Lost in thoughts…

While talking,

Animatedly chatting…

While walking,

Oblivious with the crowd…

When suddenly,

My head turned

And our eyes locked

Millisecond fast…

At times, I would catch you.

At times,

our eyes would just meet…somewhere

I could not read yours.

And you could not read mine.

Because my face

Was devoid of emotion.

And yours,

Not a single expression.

But admit it or not,

I knew you knew.

And you knew I knew.

There was something…

Something unreadable

Between the lines…

And that forced you

To stare at me

And made me stare back.

- – - – You just don’t know how hard it is restraining myself not to look at you. I may be staring at you with no twinkle in the eye, not even a slightest twitch of a smile, but deep inside, I am actually transmitting you this,

“People say it is a sin to even just think of you. But it’s not my intention to fall for you. You just happen to be the man I’ve fallen in love with. I love you so much that it hurts because I know you can never be mine. Why does it have to be you…?”

Copyright © Yramjin and The Diary of Yramjin, 2010-2011

Part I: Ssshhh…

01.20.11

Dear Diary,

I got kilig when he pinched me! He was actually sort of teasing me because our boss gave me something. He teased me saying not exactly as quoted but close to it, “Hala baga lage jin.” I could not see his face because my back was on him and I was busy working on some printouts. At first, it was just the sleeve he was tugging but the second time was different. He gently pinched my skinny arm. Then I remembered one time when he wanted to get past me. I was standing between two tables occupying the only space where he could pass through. There was no other way but to move aside. Then surprisingly, he held my right bony arm while passing through. I was surprised even more because he “pressed” it. But then I said to myself, “Maybe he just wanted to know how thin I really am.” Despite that gnawing fact, I still got kilig over it because he was not like that before! (Hmmmfff! Hate this foolish feeling!) Just like when I would be busy working something on a computer, he would come near me. Just a small contact and even his presence alone never failed to get me gaga over him! (Oh yeah I know it’s nothing on his part.)

01.25.11

Nobody knows (except those I trust) it is HIM I am falling in love with. It is the last thing I should feel because right from the very outset, it is simply forbidden. Now I know what it is like being in someone’s shoes, someone who has loved a man she must not have even on life after death.Part of me is chastising myself to stop loving him but how can I do that when I get to see him every single day. Ugh! But let me tell you something…

One time, we sort of partied after conducting a seminar for the ******. We ended up singing and drinking while waiting for our dinner. As a result, I got wasted! I puked a lot because I had so much beer in my tummy before it was filled with real food. (I’m not gonna do that again! Lesson learned!). We really had fun together with our boss and a resource speaker from the “Region”. When it was time to go, I asked him a favor to give me a lift back home. (Because I trusted him.) He okayed and I then rushed out to take a seat on his motorbike. I sat behind him while a friend of ours right next to me.

On the way home, I woke up in the middle of the ride realizing the right side of my face was resting on the upper left side of his back, or somewhere near his shoulder or maybe it was on his left shoulder;) I was kinda snuggling behind, feeling the warmth emanating from his body. I was unaware at first because I dozed off right from the very minute we left the bar. It was the cold wind that really  woke me up and that was when I found out I was already too close to him. (DANGER Zone!) Worse, I decided to get closer even if I was already conscious! Ugh! Fatal mistake! Blame it to the chillin’ cold!

01.26.11

-Putting me to a Test?-

He deliberately bumped my back! He was not in his usual self. I found it confusing yet kiliiiigggg. It was getting me nuts! I knew it was nothing on his part but I could not help myself getting kilig over simple things as split-second stares, light touches, teasing…:(

***Got more of these silly stories.. Till next time…(UNEDITED post)

Part II: Ssshhh…

***maybe this is only a product of my imagination…

01.31.11

He was such a distraction!

I was working on a communication letter for the Technical Review and Presentation of FS and DED of the proposed communal irrigation system when he came near me. He was just standing right behind where I was sitting, just watching. There really was nothing special on that because he used to do that to everyone else. He would just hover, be watching over what it was you were doing. Like I always said, it was nothing on his part but it affected me that much. His mere presence could make me immobilize. He could make my mind freeze! He could make my mind go completely blank. I usually could not think of anything other than his presence whenever he was around. He was such a distraction I totally loved!

02.04.11

They miss something!

We have an officemate whom they have often paired me to. The guy is unattached like me. I used to like him before but for some reason that soon-to-be special feeling died so instantly. My officemates are thinking I like the guy but I don’t anymore. I can be misleading when I want to. I may seem to like that guy but it is just a cover-up. They are under my pretenses because it really is HIM, not him. I am such a good actress, am I not?

02.10.11

Suspicion…

My psyche was telling me a suspicion was brewing into Her head. She kinda had an inkling whom I was referring to when I told a confidant with a simple “YOU KNOW WHO” and this was confirmed just this afternoon. My confidant warned me not to “always” hitchhike with HIM because it was starting to get obvious in their eyes! Ugh! It was as if I were under scrutiny! She began wondering why I would choose HIM among others. I got used to it and got used to him. But as much as I want to get next to HIM, I have to listen to my friend. So from now on, I promise to choose anyone but him when I need a ride. I promise to pretend hard he does not exist at all.

02.10.11

Putting me to a test again?

Our boss called us for a meeting. After almost an hour, HE (not our boss of course.LOL) sat beside me. I should have moved to give enough space between us but I didn’t. I mean, I did but not enough to avoid possible contact with each other! It turned out, it was as if I were glued on my seat just wanting to be close to him. Our legs would even sometimes brush each other. That was how close we were. I’m not a hypocrite to say I was not aware of His presence. I was. In fact, I could feel him and maybe he felt the same way. Perhaps that was why he would sometimes cross his legs so he could avoid the contact. Ugh! I knew the right thing to do was to keep a distance but I just moved a bit! My mind said “Move farther! Or better go out!” but my heart opposed and instructed me not to! I was torn between doing the right thing and doing what would make me happy. However, amidst the excitement, my instinct was telling me he was trying to prove something. A suspicion was building up and he was just trying to gauge my feelings towards him by reading my subtle reactions…

***Till next time! Happy reading!(UNEDITED)

Part III: Ssshhh…

02.13.11

Reminders!

Try your best not to go near him! Talk to him only when necessary. Most of all, no more hitching on his motorbike! Do not go beyond borders! I should keep in mind he can never be mine even on next life!

02.14.11

He kept coming near me!(at that moment;)

Just when I was trying my best to keep away from him, he would keep coming near me! I was so busy this day catching up to be able to submit those subproject profiles the following day but for the nth time, he would just stand behind me. Consequently, it got me nowhere. I could not focus when he was there behind me. All I could do was holding my breath everytime he would do that! (Ugh! Keep away from me! You’re my weakness!)

02.15.11

Him, reading… Me, restraining!

I was talking to an officemate asking him about that communication letter I was holding when he came and stood right next to me. When I say “next to me”, I mean “no space, arms touching each other”. He sort of squeezed my arm with his arm. I knew he was doing it on purpose! Then he asked me what it (document) was for. So I handed it to him accidentally touching my hand as he took it. After a few seconds, I could not stand our closeness any longer. I mean, I wanted to stay but a part of me reminded myself to keep a distance. So I moved inch away. Minutes after, I decided to totally walk away because I was afraid he “would and could” interpret every single reaction I might happen to convey.

Well, he has to dig deeper because I’m good at keeping secrets! I’m quite elusive when it comes to expressing emotion (facial expression). I can act pretty coolly as if nothing has just happened. I can make my face be devoid of emotion, not a trace of it! But if there are cases that he may be thinking he is half-right with his guess, I know how to slowly change his perception and make him doubt whatever it is that he has in mind.
***Till next time! Enjoying it?Hope so.

Part I: Pouring Out

Hi! I am back! I should have been back blogging last May 31, 2011 for my 1^st WP Blogging Anniversary but I forgot! Hmmfff! Me and my amnesia! Anyway, let’s get down into the business. It has been several weeks since I published a diary. I was either working on a project proposal or getting preoccupied with thoughts not worth thinking of. Those had kept me away from the usual things I do when bored. But I was in solitude most of the time staying upstairs in our room thinking of nothing but him. I was in hibernation! Good thing it never drove me crazy. I was still able to hold on to my sanity. LOL! (That madness is a bit exaggerated.LOL)

I am not gonna tell you about the details of some of those kilig moments I had with him because it was all merely brief stealing-sideways-glances, eye-to-eye contacts, insignificant and awkward tensions between us, and a few bantering, specifically inside jokes. Nevertheless, it was all memorable for me but definitely NOT FOR HIM. Every single detail is treasured. That is how sick I am and I hate myself for that. (*sigh) How could I like a man who does not even bother himself to think of me?! I guess I have to start learning to get over him and move on with my life. Gratefully, fate seemed to be right on my side. Painful as it was but I think it was a good sign that he resigned and left our place for a better job. But I’m not gonna lie. I do miss him much. I know I can surely forget him someday and when flashing back, I’ll be laughing at my silliness. But this adage is quite right, “It takes time to heal the wounds.” I wonder when it will exactly be. I wish it will be faster than I can imagine because I do not want to suffer for another day…and the day after that… and the day after that.

But for one last look, let me reminisce that lingering past. Let me begin with that night on April 5-6, 2011. It was his first attempt of setting-up a trap for me to take his bait. He was trying to pin me down so I could tell him my secret. I, on the other hand, was playfully letting myself get caught after a few denials because I wanted to know what his thoughts were. It was actually embarrassing on my part but I finally played submissive. I gave in and told him the truth but in a jokingly manner.

It was a “You.”-then-take-it-back-then-“You.” chit-chat.

It was not exactly what I keyed in via text but it summed up all that exchanges on that crazy night. Psyching him up, I knew he could sense I was not lying. I presumed he believed 90% of what I said, 10% doubtful. We texted the next morning and on early evening but we just teased each other. There was nothing more than that but it made me happy because I had waited for that day to come. Call me crazy, foolish, but like I shouted out in one of the social networks, it never is my intention to fall for him. He just happens to be the man I have fallen in love with.

But things got worse on our second conversation. It was again through text messaging from night to wee hours in the morning and that was on April 29-30, 2011. It started from talking about nonsense to nonsense. That nonsense, however, involved something I should have not done. I should have listened to my instinct but I just dismissed it. I got carried away with my emotion. I was overwhelmed with the way how things turned out. However, along the conversation, I slipped and revealed my feelings towards him with no kidding involved. It was not the typical “I Like You.” That is way too much, too straightforward because I am the girl and I was raised not to be too much liberated. It was just a simple

“Ug tgam sb aku na “diskartihan” m aku 2ngod kai ma feel m na arn feelings k knmu.”.

Let me translate the message in English, “I know you’re courting me because you could sense I am into you. “ It was just that line but the impact it had sent a confirmation.I delivered it loud and clear but it became louder when I gave in and said, “Yes.” It was something I half-regretted but partly never. At the back of my mind, something was sending me off warning signals, telling me that it was all simply nothing but a GAME. But I just shrugged it off. I pretended not to have heard that tiny voice warning me not to. How could I be so dumb! I wanted to get mad at him right then and there when he took it back later and simply said “sorry, it was all but a joke”. He was under booze and he was bored. I wanted to cry but I couldn’t. It was as if my eyes had run out of tears. I wanted to confront him the day we saw each other after what happened but I realized there was no one else to blame but me and my stupidity.

Anyway, he just teased me when we saw each other after that embarrassing night. From then on, things changed. Nobody noticed because we were good pretenders. I still have so much to tell about that “changes” but I am reserving it for the next post and I am sleepy. Good night guys Till next time

(*to be continued. not yet finished. unedited post)

Copyright © Yramjin and The Diary of Yramjin, 2010-2011

My Special Day

June 16, 1985 was the day I was born and today is June 16, 2011 and that makes me 26. Yes! It’s a “HAPPY 26^TH BIRTHDAY TO ME!”. It is a sad fact that I am not getting any younger. I guess it is not only me who feels that way. But I think it is quite normal for most of us to feel that slight fear of having wrinkles, weaker bones, gray hair, etc! (I don’t have any of that yet!) Haha! Hmmm… It is not actually dreading getting old. It is simply for a fact that I have to leave the stage of being a kid, of being a teen, of being in my early 20’s and start facing life of mid-20’s. I know you are wondering why I just cannot easily let that go. Uhmm.. I simply just can’t.heheh..Kidding aside, I just love being a kid. I just love hugging my mom and my aunts, making lambing to them (my friends never do that!), teasing kids till they cry (heheh), doing wacky moves, collecting cute kiddie stuff. But still, I always remind myself that getting OLD is a Blessing! So I’m one proud 26! Happy 26th Birthday to MEEEE!!!!

 

Part II: Pouring Out

Excerpt from Part I: Pouring Out

“How could I be so dumb! I wanted to get mad at him right then and there when he took it back later and simply said “sorry, it was all a joke”. He was under booze and he was bored. I wanted to cry but I couldn’t. It was as if my eyes had run out of tears. I wanted to confront him the day we saw each other after what happened but I realized there was no one else to blame but me and my stupidity.”

April 30, 2011. I had gone crazy thinking of the past night. I could not help imagining what might happen on Monday. Could I face him squarely? Ugh! There was not a single minute that it would not cross my mind. The embarrassment I felt was surging flushing my face whenever I thought of my stupidity! Who would not have gone through my experience when you got deceived by someone you really like! The pain was piercing and it even is until now because I feel belittled. From then on, I vowed to try my best to get over him. It may not be that easy. It may not be that fast but I am quite sure I’ll be over him one of these days.

So came Monday, May 2, 2011. I was surprised of myself to have reported to our office so early. I am known in our office for tardiness. Ouch! LOL! Anyway, while waiting for the rest to come, I and some of my officemates chatted for awhile. As time passed by, I got anxious but I braced myself upon his arrival. I was facing the windows so I could prepare myself much more. Then I saw him coming. Instinctively, I looked down trying to busy myself with a dictionary, absentmindedly flipping through its pages. I think, he saw me by the window when he parked his motorbike because as soon as he came in, he teased me in front of our officemates without hesitation. They were wondering what it was all about but I just glared at him and told him to shut up. Thankfully, he was just teasing me but no word about it came out. He just kept on calling my name but it still drew curiosity. Hmmpp! The nerve of that guy! (sigh).

Thankfully again, I was given the chance to confront him via text on that night. At first, I was just digging for some information. I wanted to know if he happened to tell some of his friends about it. But I did not know whether to believe him or not because he denied disclosing it to someone. Despite that gnawing apprehension, somehow, I felt a bit relaxed when he confirmed he hadn’t.

Things had changed from then on. Nobody noticed (except the one I confided in) because we were good pretenders. We could be congratulated for doing such a terrific acting performance! Personally, I handled myself pretty well. Like I have always said, I can act as if nothing has just happened and one cannot even trace a single emotion on my face. I know how to make it be devoid of any pain given enough preparation, of course

Anyway, let us switch the topic back to “Change”. One of the major changes that painful circumstance had created was the apparent (to him) avoidance of not asking him a favor for a lift. I used to ask him for a ride before (often) because I trusted him more than the others. But after what happened, I had to fight the urge of wanting to be near him because the only thing left of me was my pride. It was the least I could do to redeem myself. So I had to keep my pride intact. I only broke my promise thrice because I had no choice. Fate seemed to play opposite of me! So one time, off we went for some documents to be signed on. Geezz! The tension was unbearable! We only talked when necessary!  Good thing he was busy driving. At least, keeping us safe was a distraction. I needed that distraction because, at least, only one of us would be rewinding that crazy night! It would be more awkward if we would be thinking the same memories. But what could I do? Memories DO linger. Sometimes, it is a sad unavoidable fact. (sigh)

However, as much as I wanted to keep my distance and kill that stupid feeling for him, there was one incident I would less likely forget. All of us were required to be in the municipal gymnasium that day for a special activity. So I brought a bottle of water because I am used to drinking water frequently. After, more or less, an hour, I decided to go back to the office for a refill. When I went out, I saw him talking to a friend while keying up his motorbike. I just passed them, ignoring totally their presence and went on walking, exiting towards the right road of the U-entrance of the gym. I preferred to go that way because it is a lot nearer to the office than the other side but when riding, it is more preferable on the left side. So off I went, just taking my time. Just when I was about to reach the main road, he came right behind me. I heard a slow humming of an engine but I did not look back because I thought it was just someone. It was only when he called me that I found out it was him. He asked me where I was going. I heard him but was not quite sure if I heard him right. So I asked, “What?” He repeated the question. Then I simply replied, “To the Office.”

Had it not been awkward for both of us, more especially on my part, I would have instantly asked for a ride right then and there when he was still readying up to get on his motorbike. But I DID NOT. It was actually unusual because it was so unlikely of me to have not asked and I thought he noticed it.

Maybe he was attacked with a sudden pang of guilt because he could have gone straight to where he was heading for but HE DIDN’T.

Maybe he sensed we were heading towards the same direction.

Maybe that was why he did not go to the left side but on the other side where I was walking.

Maybe that was why he voluntarily offered me a lift.

But whatever his intention was, one thing was definite. That simple gesture had messed up with my determination to slowly forget him because with or without meaning on his part, I was so happy he still cared, even just for the sake of our friendship. Tsk! (sigh)

As days went by, I was able to adjust myself more. I was able to manage hiding that embarrassment. I could even sometimes look at him straight in the eye despite staring at his mischievous glint and it happened four times.

The first time was when we gathered for a lunch in our office. Our mess hall has three doors. One is the door connecting the mess hall to our main working space. The other one is an exit door for our dirty kitchen while the last one is an exit door when one wants to head to the municipal hall. The two exit doors are sort of facing, not quite, but opposite each other.

He was sitting near an exit door for the other building when I went out heading towards the exit door connecting to the kitchen. When I got back, I stopped and stood for a while on the door itself but upon entering, my eyes laid upon him. I noticed a few stares (It’s normal when someone has just arrived, one has tendency to look up.) but I focused my eyes on his.

Imagine making an eye-to-eye contact with someone wherein both of you seemed engulfed with oblivion. I seemed to forget that we were not alone in the room and if not mistaken, he was, too.  I forgot momentarily that sitting next to him was the guy who had been arousing my gut instinct. (I could tell that a suspicion was and is brewing into that guy’s mind unless he was told.)

After a few seconds, I headed from the door walking slowly to the left, then turned right at one corner of the table facing directly at him once again and then back to my seat. I walked unhurriedly while trying my best to keep my expression blank and trying to absorb everything I could grasp in our eye-to-eye contact. Of course, I could not read his mind fully well but one thing apparent was that suppressed amusement. I knew he was thinking of that night he deceived me and I did not know what else! But I just shrugged it off and as soon as I sat, I faked a cough to release that tension and excitement because it was the longest eye-to-eye contact between us so far and it’s gonna be in my mind and my heart for a definitely longer time! (sigh) Get a Life!

The second time our eyes met was just a brief contact. The only thing memorable on that incident was I caught him staring at me and after several months, I found him again standing behind me, just hovering, just watching me doing my job for a moment. And he even sat near me. It was a bit strange because we were discreetly avoiding each other since that thing occurred. As usual, my heart skipped beating for seconds! (LOL)

The third time was more of like a déjà vu of the first one. The only thing different was the distance. The eye-to-eye contact happened in such a short distance one could get a tingle!

We were finishing up a drink given to us from a birthday celebration. I was a bit hesitant to mingle with him and a friend because I was not quite prepared facing him that day but I dismissed that uncomfortable feeling.  We were chatting when we suddenly looked at each other again. For the second time, I met his eyes oblivious with other people around us. If only he could read my mind because I was transmitting him two things. I was thinking of that embarrassing night and I was openly admiring his cool look that day. I was staring at him evenly while we talked when all of a sudden, I noticed a blurring figure beside him. It was that GUY again! Haha! And when I looked at the Guy, he was already looking down. Maybe he could not stand any longer that open eye-to-eye contact. Geezz! It was getting obvious! It was the second time that Guy caught us staring at each other. Tsk again!

The last memorable eye contact was kinda giving me warmth feelings. I cannot actually find the best adjective to describe his expression on that day but we kept staring for seconds, twice.

I was sweet-baby-talking with a teletubbies, a toy I and my little girl-cousin brought along as we headed to our office. I was babysitting her and was trying to amuse her with that sweet-baby-talking. Then for no reason at all, my head lifted up only to find out he was watching me despite our officemate blocking the “full view”. I could not interpret the way he looked at me and I did not have any slightest idea how long it was before I caught him. Then it was followed with another mutual glance. Our eyes just met and I could not figure out the reason behind why we had been doing that. Ugh! I hate flashing back… But there was one more thing on that day. Let me tell you the rest…

After a few minutes, he went out and was back with his little kid along with him. While I and my 3-year old cousin were sitting on a bench, he was sweetly convincing his 2-year old girl to be put down. His kid did not want to but rather insisted to be put on the bench with us. So he put her down near me. But then her little girl told him to sit between us. I knew he heard her right but I was wondering why he didn’t. Instead, he picked her up and took a seat a bit farther from us. It was only later that I realized we would look like a family had he been obedient to his kid. Her little girl is so adorably cute. I wanted to play with her but I held back because I did not want him to think I was just trying to impress him. So I just satisfied myself by merely looking at her cute little face.

The last unforgettable memory I had with him, excluding those parts where he did not have any idea yet that it is him I like, was when he bumped me, his left arm bumping my left arm. That was just nothing actually but of course, it sent me afloat, like I was floating up there with the clouds. Haha! Corny thing to say but yes, it felt like it. 

Trivia: He asked my close boy-friend about whom I do like prior to that “crazy texting”. Hmmmm… Unknowingly, I got him curious.

I’m already tired and this post is quite long for a blog post. So, it’s best to let the story end unfinished. Hehe. Till next time guys. I’ll be posting its last sequel later Thanks for the time

*Unedited post

missin' him

Copyright © Yramjin and The Diary of Yramjin, 2010-2011

Part III: Pouring Out

“LETTING GO” is an old story. It is a phrase that dates back from centuries ago till the modern era and even in the future. It is a mandatory process when things go out of hand but more so, when things are simply not just meant to be. The process takes time and may even take longer depending on how one would take the circumstances. But then, no matter how long it may be, the healing of wounds will always be its finishing point. Despite the emotional struggle for such a long period, time will always heal the wounds.

Since he left and up to this day, I am still mending. I am a strong young woman but sometimes, it is good to shed a few tears to release the pain I have been keeping to myself all these times. Yes, I did cry but only when I found out he would be leaving soon and cried even more when he was gone for good. In fact, even as I was writing this post while coincidentally listening to Whitney Houston’s famous “I Will Always Love You”, I was suppressing my emotion. I am not familiar with its lyrics but that song is damn heart-tormenting I could not help be on the brink of crying.

Yes, there had never been “us” and this should be a reason enough  for me to stop this madness apart from the obvious fact that what he did to me as poured out in my previous blog entitled “Part I: Pouring Out” was pure deception. He was under the influence of booze when it happened, the simplest reason why he took back all the things he said. He lied to me. He was just bored to death and so he played games with me. I, on the other hand, overwhelmed and blinded with foolish excitement, let my stupidity rule over my common sense. It was one of the cruelest things that had ever been done to me and what made it worse was the brutal truth that HE did it to me.

Fortunately, letting go of an offense is easier for me. I have already forgiven him but the scar will forever remain. Somebody said, “Forgiving is Forgetting.” but I partly disagree with that line. In my viewpoint, forgiving does not necessarily mean forgetting what one did unless, of course, one has got himself a permanent amnesia. It is rather the moment when one has come to learn shaking the pain off. It is the moment when one has no ill-feeling anymore whenever the painful events are flashed back because Memories, either good or bad, will definitely linger.

Under such circumstance, I have already managed to let it go except my affection. Letting go of affection for someone is easier said than done. It is something I am struggling with because I do miss him…

I miss his motorbike parked every morning in front of the office. It was the first thing I would look for upon stepping on the municipal ground and of course, I definitely miss the lift.

I miss getting on his motorbike, sitting behind him. (LOL).

I miss seeing and sometimes, watching him cooking with the boys.

I miss talking to him.

I miss staring at his eyes gleaming with mischief.

I miss the bantering.

I miss the “rare texting” until wee hours talking about nothing but nonsensical things.

I just miss everything about him.

But now, with him just “clicks” away, I cannot help checking him out everytime I would have a chance. I am not cyberstalking him. I just want to check him out. It just makes me happy knowing he is still there despite the distance and it will make me happier if he will do the same but I know it will never happen. I may sound dramatic the way I express my thoughts, or even melodramatic at times, but I know that you know I am not the only person in this world who has undergone through such drama of life. We each have had our own share and I happen to express mine in such a detailed public manner.

Anyway, good thing I had come across a nice Read written by a blogger named “Ladyluck” the other day. I was browsing through the page created for the WP Tag Surfers when I saw her blog. One of the things that caught my attention was the biting reality of these lines,

”Know when to stop.

Know when to give up.

And know when to walk away.”

It seemed fate once again had flown and landed me to her blog to be fetched by those 3 simple lines dropping me off to a complete realization. The quote hits the mark.

I got marked.

But unlike a marked man, I have to brace myself. It is not by running away but by facing it because eventually, it will be for my own good.

Hmmfff… So much for the drama… I have to end here. Have a great day readers and bloggers! Ugh! Never mind my grammar and the coherence of my write-up. I am just not so good at it. I still need to keep on writing so that it’s gonna be worth reading for next time.

Till next time guys!

Miss this? —> Part II: Pouring Out

*unedited post

Copyright © Yramjin and The Diary of Yramjin, 2010-2011

ROCK COUPLE: My 24th Masterpiece

Copyright © Yramjin and The Diary of Yramjin, 2010-2011

Welcome me back!

I am back again in the world of Drawing Cartoons!!!

If I counted it right, this couple leaning on each other is my 24^th masterpiece! Haha! I am just so glad I am still capable of creating artworks through Photoshop. Their arms and eyes were making my drawing session a bit rough though. But still, I was able to finish it from sketching the figures down to the background layouting for more or less 5 hours. Haha! It was quite long, wasn’t it? It took me more or less 4 hours for the drawing including the “writing-via-mouse” of those “graffiti” and less than an hour for the layouting.

With mouse as my pencil and brush, it was quite a hard time. I had to take a lot of hand-control so I could make it look like the model (figure on the left side). The subject I was trying to replicate is a print on my light pink Tee. Obviously, my version is a bit different. I could not copy it as exactly as one would want to because it was not that easy. BUT I am pretty satisfied with my version!:)

Which one is better? I hope it’s mine. LOL

Try looking at it without seeing my name in front of the drawing. My name was intentionally put there as “signature of ownership”!

Trivia: I am that girl and He is that boy! Hahah! Just kidding…

My mind is so messed up today. Bear with my struggle of words.

Re-uploaded but now embedded with my name and year:my drawing!

 

Re-uploaded but now embedded with my name and year:my drawing!

Nightmare

Nightmare

by jinjin/yramjin

I was running like mad

Gasping for breath

While sweating profusely…

My chest was pounding crazily

And it was deafening!

I sought for a refuge

But only emptiness.

All I could see was a nauseating,

Winding road ahead.

I looked for a detour

To break free from the horrendous chase.

But the prolonged agony of darkness

Readied a menacing welcome.

I screamed out for help

But only a horrifying silence

Whispered back in horror,

“Run Yram!”

I looked over my shoulder

And saw a figure from a distance.

But with just a snap,

It shadowed over me!

How could he run so fast?

How could he be so near?

How could he be so terrifying?

So I dashed away

As faster as I could.

Adrenalin rushed through

And my body began to feel numb.

I wanted to be hysterical!

But hysteria never came out…

It was like a little girl

Hiding in a closet

Trapped with immense fear.

Then the shadow came to life.

His haunting red eyes glinting in the night

Sending me chills of pure terror!

I cried out for help again

But it left me in total despair

Because the place was deserted…

Nobody could rescue me

But Him and only Him….

So I kept running with all my might

As mighty as I prayed in utter silence.

I prayed for salvation.

I prayed to evade what was inevitable.

I prayed to flee from the blackness of the endless path

And to escape from the chase of the devil

That seemed like eternity.

This is like my first poem, Abyss… Uhmm.. still unedited. Be editing this later when I’ve time. I’m in a hurry guys. I’m sleepy and I don’t wanna be late for the nth time tomorrow! Have fun reading Good night!

Copyright © Yramjin and The Diary of Yramjin, 2010-2011

100 Truths About Yramjin

WHAT WAS YOUR:
1. last beverage = Besides water, I drank RC softdrink hours ago.

2. last phone call = 06.16.2011… It was my 26th birthday. I didn’t make that call. My officemate did. She called up Ryan. She handed me the phone after several minutes. Then I and Ryan chatted for a while.

3. last text message = I couldn’t remember when but if I recalled it right, it was from nang Chona…

4. last song you listened to = I Don’t Care by 2ne1

5. last time you cried = When he left for good…

HAVE YOU EVER:
6. dated someone twice = Haven’t tried yet…
7. been cheated on = Yeah but it was no big deal. Good thing I wasn’t in love with my ex!
8. kissed someone & regretted it = Yeah but I partly regretted it. I found it eewww!!! Maybe because I was too young at that time. Maybe because I didn’t love the guy that much. Maybe because we were just on an experiment! Hahah!
9. lost someone special = Hmmm… I find this question a little confusing. By death or by love? Hehe.. If former, I haven’t. If latter, I still haven’t. hehhee.. He never became mine. He never will… Sad fact.
10. been depressed = Not yet! So far, I’ve handled myself pretty well. I may look weak on the outside but I’m stronger than you think.
11. been drunk and threw up = YES! In fact, thrice! And there will be no again! I’ve already learned my lesson. I know my limits now. A few glasses then I am done.

LIST THREE FAVORITE COLORS:
12. GREEN
13. PINK
14. PURPLE

THIS YEAR HAVE YOU: (2011)
15. Made a new friend = Yeah. Just a few though.
16. Fallen out of love = Not yet. I’m still on the process of getting over him!
17. Laughed until you cried = Haven’t tried that yet. Now it’s getting me curious what it’s like.
18. Met someone who changed you = None,so far. I am still the same old me. A few changes but just minor ones. heheh
19. Found out who your true friends were = Yeah? Heheh…
20. Found out someone was talking about you = Yeah in some instances. Let me tell you one. My close boy-friend told me HE was curious about my secret.
21. Kissed anyone on your fb friend’s list = Haven’t but if given the chance, I want to kiss HIM. Hahahahah! on a CHEEK!!!!! ;D

GENERAL:
22. How many people on your fb friends list do you know in real life = Roughly 20%, I guess.
24. Do you have any pets = I’ve got no pets but we’ve 2 cats in the house, stray cats. They just came to our house without prior notice! Hahahha! My family and relatives don’t like them. I don’t, too, but I don’t like seeing them starved. So I feed them whenever we’ve got leftovers. meowwww!
25. Do you want to change your name =Yeah! I want it to be Alex or simply Yram! I like yram more! Heheheh!
26. What did you do for your last birthday = Just a simple lunch with my officemates and the usual dinner with family. hehe…
27. What time did you wake up today = I woke up more or less 30 minutes past 5 in the morning but I got up at almost 7am. hahah
28. What were you doing at midnight last night = Sleeping and dreaming… zzzzz! Ooooppppsss! I don’t snore.
29. Name something you CANNOT wait for = Oh! To be honest, I can wait. I’ve always dreamed of becoming a licensed engineer. I’m planning to take the Board next year. It will be my first! Hopefully, I can make it.+ fingers crossed +
30. Last time you saw your Mother = I live with my parents. So, my answer is pretty obvious.
31. What is one thing you wish you could change about your life = To UNDO those things…
33. Have you ever talked to a person named Tom =Tom Cruise? Wishing! ))
34. What’s getting on your nerves right now = Oh! That scene I did at the office! I flared up! I wasn’t able to manage my temper. I hated Yoyo that day!
35. Most visited webpage = facebook, wordpress, google, yahoomail
37. Nicknames = I’ve got many! Jen-jen, jinjin, glynn,yramjin!
38. Relationship Status = Single!
39. Zodiac sign = Gemini
40. Male or female? = Female
41. Elementary= San Agustin Central Elem. School
42. Middle School = *************
43. High school/College = St. Augustine High School/Mindanao State Univ.-Main
44. Hair colour = Black …but not totally black..heheheh
46. Height = 5’2″
47. Do you have a crush on someone? = Yeah! In fact, more than a crush!
48: What do you like about yourself? = I’m talented! hahahah! Not much into dancing but I can dance. hahah. I can sing. I can draw via computer-mouse. I can do some sports like softball, badminton, lawn tennis and even basketball! Mind you, I can dribble! Hahah! That goes to show you cannot judge the book through its cover! I may have the temper but I am quite sensitive to others’ feelings. I’m not tactless! I can blend with almost all sorts of people! hahah! Except those sosyalera/o, I’m not much into them.
49. Piercings= I’ve got 2, both my ears! Is there any difference between earrings and piercings? Or they are just the same? Heheheh
50. Tattoos = I’ve none! And I’m not planning to have one.
51. Righty or lefty = Righty!

FIRSTS :
52. First surgery = None! That’s scary!
53. First piercing = Both ears!
54. First best friend = My mother!
55. First sport you joined = Softball. I just tried out so I wouldn’t be one of the watergirls. They eventually found me good at it. So they assigned me as First Base Catcher.
56. First vacation = Makati, I think. My Uncle’s on my father’s side…
58. First pair of trainers =Got none!

RIGHT NOW:
59. Eating = Nope!
60. Drinking = Nope!
61. I’m about to = lie down for seconds to rest my back but this internet is eating my smartload. Time is running. So I need to finish this post first.
62. Listening to = nothing other than the sound of an electric fan. No sound tripping. It’s already too late for that. heheh
63. Waiting for = this blog post to come to its finishing point, #100! Heheh

YOUR FUTURE :
64. Want kids? = Yeah. Who doesn’t want to? Heheh! Kids are fun to be with! I love them! I love teasing them till they cry! Hehhehe
65. Get Married? = Yeah. I want to get married! I want to marry ****! Hahaha

WHICH IS BETTER :
67. Lips or eyes= Eyes!
68. Hugs or kisses= Kisses! But I find Hugs sweeter!
69. Shorter or taller= Taller!
70. Older or Younger = I prefer older though younger is still okay. As long as he thinks older than me, I can deal with that! hahhaha
71. Romantic or spontaneous = Spontaneous!
72. Nice stomach or nice arms = Nice Stomach!
73. Sensitive or loud = Sensitive!
74. Hook-up or relationship = Relationship!
75. Trouble maker or hesitant = TROUBLE MAKER!

HAVE YOU EVER :
76. Kissed a stranger = Not yet! But I wanna try! Hahhaha!
77. Drank hard liquor = Yeah, before but not anymore! I prefer the frothy beer!
78. Lost glasses/contacts = I think I’ve lost it! Haven’t seen it for quite sometime.
79. Sex on first date = NOOO! I’m open-minded but too much is another story!
80. Broken someone’s heart = I haven’t!
81. Had your own heart broken = Yeah, just recently! He just made fun of me!
82. Been arrested = for a blind date? Yeah, high school years!
83. Turned someone down =Yeah, thrice I think…
84. Cried when someone died = Yes..
85. Fallen for a friend? = Yeah! Yeah! Yeah!

DO YOU BELIEVE IN:
86. Yourself = My confidence level varies depending on the case. Sometimes, I do… Sometimes, I don’t.
87. Miracles = Yes!
88. Love at first sight = Nope! But I do believe in Crush at first sight! Hahhaahha
89. Heaven = Yes! I’ve heard testimonies from some chosen people. Did you get to watch some episodes of  “I Survived…Beyond and Back”? That’s it…
90. Santa Claus = NO…
91. Kiss on the first date = It depends..hahahha…
92. Angels = Yes. I believe in  the testimonies of those people featured in the show, “I Survived..Beyond and Back”.

ANSWER TRUTHFULLY:
95. Did you sing today? = I didn’t. I was re-reading The Firm the whole day!
96. Ever cheated on somebody? = Nope!
97. If you could go back in time, how far would you go, and why? = From those days I began doing wrong till today! hehehhe… I want to minimize those mess I created…hahahha
98. If you could pick a day from last year and relive it, what would it be? = “That Day”
99. Are you afraid of falling in love? = Again? Yes! Hahah
100. Posting this as 100 truths? = 99% ahhahaha

*Just copied these questions from an FB friend but of course, the answers are all mine..hahahha…

 

*Still unedited! Have fun knowing me!

My Versions of Gorgeous Girl: My 25th Masterpiece

Copyright © Yramjin and The Diary of Yramjin, 2010-2011

Hey! Last June 16, 2011, my birthday, my sister gifted me a light pink Tee with print of a pretty girl wearing a  cloth ribbon on her head.

The moment I looked at it, I fell in love with the girl and planned to draw it one of these days. I knew I could not draw it as identical as that figure shown above. The girl has an intricately sketched lock with only a few black strands. Thus, making my drawing session one of the toughest ones.

Eager to start my project, I brought my laptop and that shirt in the office on June 27, 2011 afternoon, set it up and began engrossing myself with my beautiful model. My boss was there but everybody seemed relaxed on that boring afternoon. So I occupied myself with artwork.

After several hours of sketching, brushing, filling, and layouting, I finally finished the drawing. I let my officemate see my work to gather opinion. She liked it but I didn’t. I was not satisfied with the outcome.

Re-uploaded but now embedded with my name and year:my drawing!

Something is wrong with the hair. It is plain black and overall, I find her face and even her shirt totally dull. Above all, her look is unhappy.  Despite that ache starting to whack my head, I began trying to change her lips from slightly opened into a “closed-mouth-having-a-slight-touch-of-coyness-smile”. Here you go!

Re-uploaded but now embedded with my name and year:my drawing!

Still, I do not find her pretty.

I could not ignore my aching head anymore. So I stopped and began giving it a quick massage. It was stressing me out. Haha! That drawing was one of the hardest and the only piece that I could not make more beautiful than the original.

But then, I did not give up! Knowing me, I would always find ways to obtain that satisfaction I had been craving for. So just this morning, I planned to make alterations on her hair. Instead of just sketching, then filling it up with black color, I opted for the brush and tried in any way possible to make a few black strands. So I began erasing that total darkness by coating the hair with white (It’s like painting, you know.) and thought, “Maybe it’s better to modify the shirt, too, because it’s too old-fashioned. I’m gonna make it into a chic sleeveless shirt.”

Then the back-aching session began, strategically removing the hand clutching the hair in the picture to make the whole process easier. (FYI: Hands are difficult.) So, surprise!!!!!! Hahah!

Re-uploaded but now embedded with my name and year:my drawing!

Re-uploaded but now embedded with my name and year:my drawing!

Now, I am SATISFIED!  I Love it! Hehe! How about you?

Tell me which one is better. I hope it’s mine! Hahah!

Till next drawing session guys!

*unedited post